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Thank You, Founding Fathers, for Chain Sex, Cancun and Katie Holmes

Between the beer and the fireworks this weekend, let us take a moment to remember our founding fathers. It’s due to them that we have the right to vote, to speak freely — and to watch whichever trashy reality shows we deem fit. (I think they would enjoy “LA Ink.” They were rebels, ya’ll!)   "THE […]

Between the beer and the fireworks this weekend, let us take a moment to remember our founding fathers. It’s due to them that we have the right to vote, to speak freely — and to watch whichever trashy reality shows we deem fit. (I think they would enjoy “LA Ink.” They were rebels, ya’ll!)

The cast continues to disappoint their parents (and long-distance lovers) with their scandalous ways. And that doesn’t disappoint me one bit.

Case in point: Jonna, who is “devoted” to her boyfriend back at home, says that she and CJ have connected on ”a different level” and innocently tells CJ that he’ll be the first guy she makes out with if (translation: when) she makes out with anyone.

CJ’s take? “The moment her and Matt break up then maybe the flirtation might take us somewhere else.” (LIke, um, to the confessional for some roommate relations maybe?)

Meanwhile, Ayiiia and Jasmine gossip about the flirtation, and Jasmine hopes that Jonna “doesn’t get really drunk one night and do something ridiculous.” I will go on the record as saying that my hopes are, uh, opposite of that.

While it’s still a little early to decipher who’s going to play which role this season, Ayiiia seems to be emerging as a frontrunner for the part of the “bitchy roommate.” Tension erupted between punk rocker Joey and her because she didn’t appreciate his sarcastic sense of humor.

It all came to a head when Ayiiia drunkenly shouted, “Herpes on your lip! Herpes on your lip!” Joey then spit on her newly purchased taco, which was hilarious (especially if he really does have herpes). She retaliated by ruining his expensive guitar and scratching his CDs.

It appears that this is just the beginning of the season’s drama. MTV really threw a wrench in the show’s formula by hooking the roommates up with jobs at Student City. Upon their first meeting, their boss explained that there was to be no public intoxication (in Cancun?!) and no fraternizing with student clients. Oh, and no participation in those classy Spring Break “contests.”

Tell that to CJ who entered and won one at the top of the episode.

To bid adieu to their wild days of partying in Cancun, the roomies went out and … partied wildly in Cancun. The good thing is, rules or not, I have a feeling this won’t be the last time. Stay tuned.

While the moves were fantastic tonight, the costumes did not provide enough “sparkle” for me. And I mean that literally.

Nigel let us know that, yes, the rumors are true about Katie Holmes. No, not that rumor. Mrs. Tom Cruise will be performing a dance tribute to Judy Garland on the show’s 100th episode July 23.

Additionally, she is donating her performance fee to the Dizzy Feet Foundation, an organization that provides dance scholarships for underprivileged youth. Sounds like a great organization. And I have a feeling we’ll (relentlessly) hear more and more about how great it is on the 100th show.

OK, costume … I mean, “dance” time!

Janette and Brandon are one of my favorite couples, due especially to their disco number a couple of weeks ago and last week’s hip hop/rock routine. This week’s performance was a sexy, sassy cha-cha that earned them two first-class tickets on Mary Murpy’s Hot Tamale Train. (Still having trouble booking a trip with them. Are they with Amtrak?)

“Stories” are great but sometimes you just wanna watch people shake their hips and move their feet real fast. Costumes: 8 (solely because of the sparkles), Performance: 8

Kayla and Kupono did a frightening “vampire-esque” dance about Kayla struggling against death and Kupono accepting it. It seems that the cause of this death was seizure, as it was very jerky. It was really not my cup of tea, but then neither is “Twilight” (or Glambert), as you readers already know.

It was executed well, nonetheless. Kayla rocked the dark eyes and lips but the costumes could’ve been better. How about a Dracula cape? Costumes: 4, Performance: 7

Randi and Evan may be emerging as my favorite couple in this competition. They do sexy, they do cute and in this Broadway number from “Sweet Charity,” they did sexy-cute! Randi’s outfit was a little too “drill team” for me but still had lots of sparkles! Costumes: 6, Performance: 7

Caitlin and Jason’s jazz dance had one of those “stories” that they seem to be so fond of on this show. Caitlin was supposed to be an alien trying to procreate with Jason, a human. No, I’m not kidding.

I agreed with the judges on this one. Nigel said that the whole thing was weird but gave them credit for committing. Mia did not like the tinfoilish costume on Caitlin. I would’ve liked to have seen her in something acid green myself. Costumes: 5 Performance: 6

Jeanine and Phillip’s Genius hip-hop dance was about the ball and chain that is a dance partnership. They were literally chained together at the ankle, which could’ve been disastrous. They really personified the push and pull and herk and jerk that is a dance partnership or any kind of partnership. I loved it! Costumes: 6, Performance: 9, Prop: 10.

Melissa and Ade played to Melissa’s strengths as a ballerina by performing a “Romeo and Juliet” pas de deux. After I woke up, I learned that all the judges were really excited that they were finally doing classical ballet on the show. To their credit, it was very graceful and impressive, if you’re into that sort of thing. (I’m not.) Costumes: 5, Performance: 7

Karla and Vitolio drew the “dreaded” quick-step and their “story” was set in a museum, with Vitolio playing a statue. (Well, I mean, a dancing statue.) It was all very Fred & Ginger and I was loving it until – BAM! – Karla’s black and white dress magically transformed into a colorful chiffon number! Then I loved it even more!

This was the couple’s first dance together and they nailed it. Keep on eye on them. Costume: 10, Performance: 9