As they are every year, Jimmy Kimmel's jokes were the highlight of ABC's upfront presentation to advertisers.
Kimmel gave it to advertisers straight Tuesday, saying no one at any of the networks know what shows will be hits. He suggested advertisers just stuff their money in bags instead, and likened upfront presentations to a strip club — everyone throws away their money and wakes up with herpes. He also tried to sell some of his old junk, including a neon Bud Light Golden Wheat sign.
He also ripped ABC's rivals, saying jokes about CBS's older audience are still fair game and repeating a not actually true claim that NBC came in behind Univision this season.
Here are some of Kimmel's best jokes:
"It's time to stop calling this an upfront and start calling it what it is: Throwing a bunch of s— at a wall to see what sticks. And guess what? You guys are the wall."
"The reason we are here is you are about to give billions of dollars to a network that last week rolled a 400-pound comedian off a diving board."
"And yes, it's true — every year our audience gets smaller, to which I say: Every year Apple products get smaller, and no one has a problem with that."
"One of our shows this year was written by a third-grade class, and your job is to figure out which one."
See photos: The New Shows of the 2013-2014 TV Season
On the difference between him and NBC's Jimmy Fallon: "He's the one who sings and plays guitar. I'm the one who comes here every year and calls you a–holes."
"When you cancel one Matthew Perry show, three more rise up to take its place."
"Thing are looking up for NBC since they finally got rid of their worst shows, '30 Rock' and 'The Office.'"
"NBC lost to Univision this year, and their strategy next year is to oppose immigration reform."
On the age of CBS's viewers: "Those jokes aren't over until my grandmother throws away her 'Mentalist' hemorrhoid donut."
"'The Bachelor' is based on the theory that one in 25 hair stylists is your soulmate."
"As you know, Barbara Walters is leaving ABC after 50 years to have a baby – my baby."