Greetings, rosebuds, and welcome to the Rose Rehash, our weekly summation of one of the fluffiest franchises on television, "The Bachelorette." Each week, we'll follow Ashley Hebert as she attempts to find love — and transcribe our comments as we watched.
This week's episode finds Ashley and her 11 minions headed to Thailand. You'd think the exotic location would add a little cumin to this otherwise bland little season, but that's not the case. As one of the leading suitors announces: "If you can't find romance in this kind of setting, you're hopeless."
No comment from the Thai peanut sauce gallery.
As in past episodes, the show starts slow. We're about to fall asleep in our thematic dinner of takeout Thai, but Honest Ames awakes us with his long-vowel pronunciation of the word "process."
Deirdre:Canadians are awesome.
So, on to the first date. Ashley starts with a one-on-one with Ben F. and they head to a food market. The setting is spectacular, but every time we hear a khlui, we panic in fear that they are going to break out into a flash mob like they did a couple episodes back.
Ashley and Ben F. seemingly sleepwalk to a temple and Ben F. says some stuff. They have a "mental kiss," which they both describe as "real good." It is gross. Ashley also says she wants to "jump on him." At this point we're begging for Chris Harrison to clink a champagne glass with a fork so the date can end. But at least Ashley hasn't cried yet.
They have dinner. Ashley keeps referring to Ben F. as Ben F, which is weird. Ben F. talks about being a winery owner. Saucy. He talks about his father's passing and refers to himself as a former "emotional zombie." That's how we feel too, but we'll forge through. Some dancers show up to the dinner, but it's not a flash mob, thank Buddha. Ben F. gets a rose and they smooch.
Carrie: It's a sexy non-mental kiss.
Deirdre: We agree to disagree.
The group date card arrives: Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan, J.P., and Mickey. The men learn that they will be Muy Thai boxing. Each other. In a public ring.
Deirdre: The producers of this show are sicker than the guy who directed "Faces of Death."
Lucas and Blake are first. Ashley hopes they "don't take it too seriously." Sure. They pummel each other mercilessly. Blake is victorious. Next up are Mickey and J.P. Why would anyone in their right mind get into a boxing ring with a man named Mickey? Surprisingly, J.P. takes him out.
Then, hot in hot pink shorts, Honest Ames takes on Ryan, who buries him.
Carrie:Even the Muy Thai fans look terrified.
Big Nick and Constantine are next. Constantine wins, but nobody notices because the boy in the pink shorts is a little wobbly-woozy — and Honest Ames is off to the hospital.
But everyone else is off to a cocktail party. Ashley realizes she shouldn't have asked the guys to Thai box. No comment, again. The looming question: Will Honest Ames show? And then he does. Pity rose, right? Nope.
Bashful Blake tells Ashley that "love is a marathon, not a sprint." And not a Muy Thai bout. She seems smitten by him and his cloying metaphors. Lucas shows Ashley how to swing a golf club and the camera guy zooms in on their crotches. Subtle.
Next, we're on to the two-on-one date of doom with William and Ben C. They go on a raft cruise. The dudes paddle Ashley. Not the way you're thinking. William takes the smarmy approach and warns Ashley that Ben C. has been talking about cleaning up in the world of online dating whenever he leaves the show.
Carrie: What's the big deal?
Deirdre:Can't a brother troll Match.com in his free time?
Apparently not. William sells Ben C. down the Mae Ping River and Ashley sends him packing. Then she goes to dinner with William. They talk about him being a "30-year old boy." Ashley isn't feeling it. So she also sends him packing. He refers to himself as "the world's biggest f—ing jackass." Ashley drops the rose in a fire.
Carrie: The first sparks of the night. Zing.
On to the rose ceremony cocktail party. Ashley is bummed out and keeps talking about Bentley, who was this season's contestant to leave the show early for maximum dramatic effect.
Deirdre: Poor Nick. Bentley's getting more play than him and he's not even on the show anymore.
Chris Harrison arrives. Ashley is still mopey dopey. She confides in Chris that she wants closure with Bentley. Chris looks at her incredulously. He is one hell of a host, but an even better actor. But still, he makes her a promise that he will "make something happen."
And the roses go to… Constantine, Lucas, J.P., Ames, Mickey and Ryan.
Nick, The guy with the soul patch, goes home. At least he can spend more time with his personal train. He doesn’t cry, which makes us miss "The Bachelor." It was fun to watch the hussies cry in the limo. Just being honest.
Next week: We order chow mein as Ashley and her suitor-bros head to Hong Kong.