Who’s Most Disappointed in Tiger Woods?

Fallen idol has stolen the spotlight from the likes of Balloon Boy and the White House crashers, and they must be pissed

Last Updated: December 7, 2009 @ 8:48 PM

Who do you think is more disappointed about this Boy Scout-Supermanthlete who seems to like it rough with say, a baker’s dozen of women, none of whom was his wife? His doting fans? The sponsors? The now-humiliated-wife-and-mother-of-his-kids?

Who do you think is most royally pissed off?

Wrong.

It’s Balloon Boy and his crazy family!

Remember them? Barely, right? They’re probably kicking themselves ( or the kids) because they could have stretched their 15 minutes into at least a handful of talk-show hours. Maybe make enough money to pay for those escalating legal bills!, It must suck to be you, to steal a lyric from “Avenue Q.”

Balloon Boy, et al., have been royally screwed in Bizarro-Reality TV-land. Yes, we all watched the amazing Balloon Boy saga, worried about his physical being, his emotional angst, the odds against his surviving such an ordeal.

We are a truly sick society. And we’re also buttinskies. So we even faux- worried about the other kids! What if they were abused and forced to do even more dangerous stunts? And what was up with that Stepford wife anyway? Was she a potential enabler to her lunatic husband’s plans?

Thank goodness we heard explanations of the troubling behavior from so many experts who helped us through this terrible event.

Until it became clear we’d all been had. Go to the videotape for proof. (P.T. Barnum undoubtedly would have approved.) Thankfully, there were plenty of shrinks available to analyze every grimace, every shifty glance from Balloon parents to shaky kids and back again, and we knew the jig was up after the live hurling. But who cares now? That’s history.

The media soon had those wack-job POTUS gate-crashers who won the Golden Ticket when they were parodied on "Saturday Night Live."

We are a weird nation, celebrating a potential terrorist act as a Big Joke.

But even those criminals had the rug yanked out from under them when a certain pricey car crashed into a fire hydrant. Tiger Woods cheats on his model wife, has sex under the influence of Ambien and has a predilection for well-endowed cocktail/diner waitresses. Classy. And had sex in his house with one of these … women?????

Tiger, what happened? Was your Little Lord Fauntleroy image a tad too tightly wound? Is Tiger Woods (the brand) a doppelganger for whoever you really are?

It’s a great disguise—being cool, confident and elegant. Classy and close-mouthed. Not Kate Hepburn classy, but in a manly way that appeals to an interracial, all-gender audience.

So Ballon Boy lost helium. State-dinner-crashers end up in jail (some of us hope) and we know now that our Golf Boy/Man Wonder is a sex addict.

Why do we care? Because, before this debacle, he had fulfilled all our fantasies about the perfect storybook family. He was one of two beautiful parents with beautiful kids, is a genius athlete, lives in a mansion, yadda yadda.

Talk about hubris. This guy’s a piece of work. Stay tuned. More is sure to come.

I bet David Letterman is happy.
 

Naomi Serviss has covered Broadway, celebrities, lavish resorts and high-end spas. Based in New York City, she's still hooked on Hollywood.