‘Big Brother’ Premiere: Moving In … on Their Prey

Want to play a game? Jigsaw the saboteur makes his first appearance

"Big Brother 12" debuted as all prior seasons have, with host Julie Chen introducing a staged “I got my key!!!” montage: Monet shopping, Brendon swimming, Kathy policing, Ragan teaching, Hayden flexing, Enzo bada-binging, Rachel claiming she’s more than big boobs, and so on. One hour to pack. Let’s go!

Ready to enter the house, the stare down at the stairs between the houseguests commenced.

Seeing each other for the first time, some were thinking, “I saw you at the finals and was Big Brother 12hoping like hell you wouldn’t be here. Damn!” while others were questioning, “So THIS is the diverse cast I speculated about?!” But for the most part they were praying, “Please let me be in the first group to go in! Please! I want a nice bed!”

Britney, Ragan, Brendon and Rachel got their wish: first dibs. Andrew led off the charge of the second group shouting “Mazel Tov” as he ran in; followed closely by Annie, Kathy, Lane and Enzo. With some comfortable digs still available, they had good luck indeed. Finally, Hayden, Kristin, Matt and Monet stormed the house. Monet wasn’t waiting for anybody — no greetings or salutations, she almost ran over Kathy to find a bed. A princess doesn’t sleep on the floor.

Pop the champagne! It was time for the houseguests to make snap judgments, selectively withhold key information about themselves and harshly comment on one another.

Hayden thinks Kristin is hot, especially those facial twitches…sexy! He figures it will take about a week or two to straighten those out. Matt is married. Everybody say “Awww.” A certified genius, he’s smart enough not to tell them about his superior intelligence. Monet thinks Rachel is a ditz with huge watermelons on her chest, calling her Boob City, but Enzo likes the weapons. He doesn’t care for Rachel’s laugh, but that just means he’s dead inside. Loud, boisterous laughs are an endearing "Big Brother" staple: Season 10, Keesha; Season 11, me; Season 12, Rachel. Take that, Casey! I mean Enzo.

The lies kept coming, as did the laughs. Ragan’s not a professor, but a graduate student. Andrew is not a podiatrist, but a recently laid-off day trader. Annie is asexual and not disclosing her bisexuality just yet. Ragan would like to form an alliance with Brendon, fantasizing that the season’s twist ends with them falling in love after Brendon comes out.

Rachel thinks Andrew is wearing a Jewish holiday (Yom Kippur) on his head, rather than a yarmulke. Annie does a good Enzo … *cue the “Godfather” music* — expect to hear a lot of that this season. Britney is in love with Ragan, whom she affectionately calls a flaming homosexual, one of “her people.” Kathy’s reveal of her age inspired many “You still look good” back-handed compliments.

Glasses clinked, announcing a drama-free night, but the celebration soon stopped as Julie reappeared on the flat screen with some news for the houseguests: Someone isn’t playing to win. They’re just there to make life hell for everybody while collecting a $50,000 check at the end of five weeks if they can pull it off. Then the static started…

Jigsaw from the "Saw" movie franchise materialized on the screen as a bootlegged, more innocuous version of himself, The Saboteur. No worries, there will be no gruesome torture tests, only "Big Brother" sabotage.

Surfacing to arouse suspicion, he induced paranoia with his question, “Can anyone be trusted?” and then promptly faded to black. Eyes previously glued to the screen now wandered around the room as the houseguests wondered how they could form an alliance when there’s this sneaky bastard living amongst them.

However, there wasn’t much time to ponder their fate because it was time to ride a slippery wiener to victory in the HOH competition.

Andrew quickly volunteered to sit out the game and become the mascot, forfeiting his chance to become HOH, but unsurprisingly the kosher hot dog was later declared safe from eviction. Why? No explanation given and none needed; he’s the saboteur. Well, at least the houseguests are convinced of this, not able to fathom why someone would give up his reign as HOH prior to his safety being guaranteed.

Monet won $10,000 on the winning Ketchup team by grabbing onto the giant wiener and sailing across the hot coals first. Britney suffered a knee injury, but cheered when told she no longer had to compete. Miraculous recovery or exaggerated injury to throw HOH? Hmmm… Hayden continued to prove Ketchup is the better condiment by winning HOH after brokering a side deal with Matt. With safety for the week and the power to nominate whomever he wants, save Andrew, Hayden now only has to worry about the saboteur.

“Hello houseguests, I want to play a game.” Jigsaw is back! The house goes pitch black and when the lights return a padlocked food pantry is discovered. See? He’s harmless. No bodies strapped to a machine that will twist each limb one by one until they break. Nah, they’re just forced to eat slop.

Brendon wanted to make sure he’s was minty fresh during the blackout so he decided to brush his teeth. Yeah, that makes sense to NO ONE!

Andrew decided to further his saboteur mystique by pranking the scared houseguests who sat glued to the couches, although the couches weren’t that adhesive because I could see Kathy wasn’t seated the whole time. When she said, “Is everybody in here?” SHE wasn’t even in there.

Britney declares the sabotage must have happened while it was dark and Jigsaw loomed on the screen once again as if to imply, “Duh!” The houseguests are told to sleep with one eye open, if at all. And we’re left debating back and forth the identity of the saboteur.

So are YOU getting any sleep now that the live feeds are on? Who’s your pick for saboteur? Your favorite houseguests? Do you think, chemist (and intelligence) aside, that Rachel is just a hot girl with big boobs after all? Let me know below…