Chris opens the show with the announcement that once again it’s going to be one group date and two individual dates. Roberto is first up for the individual date, and Ali tells the camera that she hasn’t had the chance to really know him yet. I’m assuming she’s speaking biblically.
She shows up in a “Flashdance” outfit and the two are whisked away on a chopper. Ali is still afraid of flying and works it to her advantage enticing Roberto to hold her tight the entire duration of the flight. They land on top of a tall downtown building and she lets him know that in order to get dinner, they’re going to have to tightrope across to another building to get to the table. When did this show become Fear Factor? And, more importantly, how sad is it that I would pay a lot of money to have Joe Rogan show up just to liven things up a bit? As they’re halfway across, Roberto actually leans across his tightrope to give her a kiss.
Now that’s a dangerous kiss, kids. They pop a bottle and toast to their first date and the sunset. Awww…
Back at the ranch it’s time for another date card, and Chris L. is excited to be a part of a group date (his first date). Roberto and Ali are still toasting their first date and Roberto is selling himself as a cultured individual and Ali is buying it big time. She quickly changes things up by cuddling on some blankets and pillows. She utters the Spanish phrase for “give me a kiss” and he obliges. Not to anyone’s surprise, she gives him the rose. Already these two are on cloud nine and it’s obvious that he is going to be in the final two.
A new day dawns and the boys wake up confident about the group date. The guys arrive from the limo and are surprised when Ali greets them in a sketchy area of LA. They hear music coming from around the corner, and it’s … the Barenaked Ladies. As a proud Canadian, I was once a huge BNL fan (they were awesome in concert). But really? These boys haven’t had a hit in over a decade, and judging from the song they’re shooting a video for, that ain’t gonna change anytime soon. It’s not a terrible song, but it’s no chartbuster. The boys get an actual script, where Weatherboy is called for to kiss Ali. Weatherboy is having a performance anxiety attack.
The video shoot begins and porn music plays in the background while everything about the shoot is just screaming porn. We get a lot of takes of Ali slapping Frank, so perhaps it’s a bondage flick? John C. gets to enter a bathtub with her, but as soon as he hops in, director yells cut and we move on to the next scene. Weatherboy is having second thoughts about kissing her, and they have zero chemistry. It is beyond awkward, and Jonathan actually starts crying. Crying. CRYING!
Somehow, his nutless demonstration provokes a passionate kiss on Ali’s part. So let this be a lesson to you, pussy-like wuss boys: when your game isn’t on, just bring on the tears! The boys are jealous that Kirk gets a long scene in bed with her. Frank is visibly shaken as he watches the passion unfold. Me? I’m merely visibly disgusted with the cheesiness of this whole episode so far.
The porn shoot is over, and Chris L. gets pulled away. He opens up about his mother having passed away, and ya know, this guy seems like a genuine dude (hey, I can’t be negative about the show all the time). Weatherboy pulls Ali aside and is making some awkward sounds with his voice not unlike Paul Rudd’s character in “I Love You Man.” As he asks Ali for a “real first kiss,” Craig moves in and ruins the mood.
Back at the ranch, the boys not on a date get a new date card. Hunter is getting the second individual date. Ali reveals what is likely the seventh bikini we’ve seen this season, and Kirk joins her in the hot tub. He tells her he was “engulfed”, but what I think he meant to say was “engorged.” They kiss for real in the hot tub. Just an observation, but Jillian waited almost to the end of her season for a smokin’ hot tub scene, and Ali is already all up in that in episode three. Just sayin’ … The rest of the boys jump in with the exception of Rated R, who can’t jump in. Kirk gets the rose. They show the finished music video, and: It. Is. Awful.
The next day, Rated R tries to sneak out of the mansion and he limps down the road with his crutches to find her. As Ali is filming her talking head with the production crew, Justin pops into the shot and interrupts. Ali is impressed that he crutched it for two miles just for her. They proceed into her living room, and Justin brings out the family photos. Something about his shtick seems like an act to me.
Hunter is over thinking his date already. Ali fetches him with her Porsche and it’s going to be a date of domesticity. They don aprons and throw some burgers and dogs on the barbie. They talk about careers and parents. They pretend they’re already married. They eat and drink. They hop in the hot tub (bikini number eight — but who’s counting?) They stare at the sunset. They … have no chemistry.
Back in the boys-only hot tub, the guys are questioning Justin’s integrity. He breaks down, and the boys aren’t too sure that it’s all just an act. Back at the one-on-one, the pair is now fully clothed by the fire. The rose lies there untouched, because according to Ali, there’s no romantic connection. Hunter peaces out and Justin gloats.
It’s another sausage party, and Ali enters in a prom dress gone bad. Although she still annoys the crap out of me she’s somehow able to pull off both bad fashion and good. Chris L. is positive he’s getting a hometown date. Ali compares Justin (who is wearing Jheri Curl) to Vienna from last season’s Bachelor. Steve sets up a picnic in front of the mansion and can’t pop the champagne cork. Could this be a metaphor? He recovers and they settle in to a decent conversation. All the boys discuss Justin’s integrity and he awkwardly makes his way into the discussion and doth protest far too much.
Roberto moves in and Ali cops to her private visit with Justin. Roberto quickly blabs to the guys and they converge on the Rated R wrestler. He feels “crucified”, but admits to everything. Despite coming clean, the boys aren’t buying his bulls—. If you’re buying it, you’re a sucker like Ali, because just wait until all the drama that’s about to unfold later in the season. Chris calls for another rose ceremony as Justin sulks alone outside. Boo frickin’ hoo.
Kirk and Roberto are safe for the rose ceremony, and nine roses are about to be handed out. The roses go to: Chris L., Jesse, Chris N., Ty, Kasey, Craig, Frank, Jonathan and … Justin. Steve and John C. are going home and both appear dejected.
Next week? It’s NYC, and some really bad singing from Kasey.
Want some serious spoilers about what’s to come at the end of the season? Feel free to email me to get all the details.