Jimmy Kimmel entertained advertisers at ABC's presentation of its 2011-12 schedule Wednesday with digs at his own network and its rivals. Here are some of the best:
On the circle of TV life: "Remember all those shows we were so excited about last fall? We cancelled all of them, and yet here you are again. I think you might have a gambling problem."
On ABC President Paul Lee: "Who better to lead the American Broadcasting Company than an English guy with an Asian last name?"
On the power of persistence: "What did you think of NBC's upfront yesterday? It's cute that they're trying."
On NBC's long-term plans: "Hold on to your ad money for as long as it takes to get their s— together."
On Donald Trump appearing at NBC's upfront: "Was everybody excited to see Donald Trump on stage yesterday? So likeable. So, so likable. … He might host two shows on NBC next year: 'Celebrity Apprentice' and 'The Sing-Off.' Which would be retitled 'The Jerk Off.' … Because he's a jerk."
On the competition: "Fox, ABC and NBC are losing viewers to cable and the Internet, and CBS is losing them to natural causes."
On Ashton Kutcher replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men: "He did a very good job of replacing Bruce Willis."
On the importance of proper conceptualization: "We've got 'Pan Am,' a show named after an airline that went bankrupt. What could go wrong with that?"
On ABC's new "Apartment 23": "We've got James Van Der Beek. If you don't want to be part of that, you don't deserve to give us all your money."