The “Conjuring” movies are not now, nor have they ever been subtle. Big flashy jump scares! Demonic dolls, nuns and nursery rhymes! One installment even had a ghost werewolf, which must be what happens when a werewolf dies with unfinished business.
To be fair, it’s not like anyone expected the “Conjuring” films to be low-key. The franchise tells the supposedly-true story of paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren, who in real life were frequently considered self-aggrandizing con artists. In these movies, the Warrens’ work was 100% real and they encountered ghosts and demons almost every day for decades. How they managed to do all of that and never walk away with any tangible, conclusive evidence of the supernatural will, I guess, remain a mystery for the ages.
So the premise was always wonky and thin. It didn’t matter much, because James Wan directed the hell out of the first two “Conjuring” movies. Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga were endearing, albeit highly fictionalized protagonists whose loving marriage and faith in human decency provided a wholesome counterpoint to the evils they exorcised. Over time, the other “Conjuring” sequels and spinoffs struggled to maintain Wan’s high standard of quality, but even the bad ones were usually harmless, popcorn-spilling campfire tales. We’ve formed a connection to these fictional Warrens, and now, with “The Conjuring: Last Rites,” we’re allegedly saying goodbye. No more “Conjurings.” Not ever, ever, ever.
Yeah, right, sure. Like Warner Bros. is ever going to let an over $2 billion franchise go fallow forever. Nobody believes this series is actually ending, but the makers of “Last Rites” treat their film like it’s going to wrap up (almost) everything, and they do an OK job of it. Somewhat. It’s not the scariest film in the series and it’s not the most interesting one either, but it’s still “The Conjuring,” in the same way that even the blandest “Star Wars” story is still technically “Star Wars.” Fans will get something out of it. Everyone else will shrug and say it’s OK.
After a prologue where the Warrens encounter a particularly evil mirror, we’re told in a title card that we’re about to watch their final case, where they encountered something more evil than they had ever encountered before. And that thing is… the mirror they’ve already encountered. We’re not off to a great start.
It’s the mid-1980s and Ed and Lorraine have retired from ghost hunting, mostly because of Ed’s heart condition. Their daughter Judy (Mia Tomlinson) is an adult now and about to get married to a dorky ex-cop named Tony (Ben Hardy). She’s inherited her mother’s psychic visions, and they’re pulling her towards a haunting in Pennsylvania. A hapless family found that evil mirror at a rummage sale, took one look at the most obviously evil movie prop since the killer lamp in “Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes,” and decided it was the perfect gift to celebrate their daughter’s first communion. This is what you get for having terrible taste, I guess.
The Warrens find their way to the haunted house (eventually) and decide it’s, like, a really super-duper haunted house. So they come out of retirement for one last job. There will be jump scares. Annabelle the evil doll has an obligatory cameo. But the most suspenseful scene is when two middle-aged dads try to move a piece of furniture out of the attic and down some stairs. It’s the most relatable thing that’s ever happened in this entire 12-year franchise.
As a scary movie, “The Conjuring: Last Rites” is a generic film, neither good nor bad. It’s practically begging audiences to judge it on a “pass/fail” basis. As the conclusion of the “Conjuring” series, it’s a little more successful, but not much. Ed and Lorraine get an ending, sure, that’s all well and good. It’s just distracting that “Last Rites” spends over two hours setting Judy and Tony up as the obvious new stars of this franchise, and yet the film forgets to actually go there. It’s like if the first act of “Batman Begins” was feature-length, but instead of becoming Batman at the end he just… didn’t.
Again, nobody thinks this is the last film in the “Conjuring” series. It’s a license to print money, and corporations like money. But maybe it’s best we put this one to bed for a little while. It’s not that the franchise turned rotten, it’s just a little stale. The only way they could kick these movies up a notch now is if, I don’t know, instead of making another middle-of-the-road Warrens sequel, they made a spin-off about some kind of ghost werewolf. But where on earth are they going to find a ghost werewolf? In the “Conjuring” Universe? At this hour?
“The Conjuring: Last Rites” opens in theaters on Sept. 5.