Last night started out with a 21-year-old writing me on JDate to ask if I wanted to date his dad, who it turns out is only 40.
As I came to terms with this new phase of my dating life, I was thankful for the ABC Television Network — and by thankful, of course, I mean it’s time. Time for Steve McPherson and me to have a meeting.
I have conducted endless hours of in depth market research in my state-of-the-art research facility with the help of my two assistants, Pinot and Merlot, and after digging around the abc.com website, we have concluded that what they really need is a blogger and I am the one person who is uniquely qualified for that position.
I laughed, cried, cheered and booed while watching "Dancing With the Stars," "Find My Family" and "Castle" and realized that I really do love television, and some of the best television is on ABC. And maybe people don’t know it’s there or don’t understand how really great it is and what they need is a guide to walk them through.
How great would it be if you could go to abc.com every day and read a funny recap, what’s coming up, why to watch and what you are missing if you don’t? There could be a video diary with interviews and behind-the-scenes chats with the stars of the shows. It would be both a dictionary and a cheering section for ABC.
The most important thing to note about my new job at ABC is that I would have to talk to attorneys, assistants, agents, publicists, managers and celebrities — and the chances of my meeting a nice Jewish man through those channels may be the way to go so ultimately, the job is not only about helping the viewers of ABC but it’s about me and my search for love.
Now, I don’t want to make a big deal out of it by asking my loyal followers to boycott ABC until they create this job for me because that would just set an ugly tone for my negotiations — and by ugly tone of course I mean when I asked my people if they would boycott on my behalf they refused to miss an episode of "V" or the outcome of "Dancing With the Stars."
To Mr. McPherson I say that at the very least we should have a meeting, and you should hear my ideas because they are really good and I want to be a part of abc.com, and it would be great for both of us and if you don’t call me I will be forced to write about you every day until you call and that will just be uncomfortable.
Additionally, if I don’t hear from you by let’s say the end of next week, I will not only write about how you are ignoring me but I will pull the single mother, raising her son on her own, struggling to make ends meet while teaching her child about faith card and it will be a complete "Extreme Home Makeover" moment which we both know will be brutal.
Help me to help you, Steve McPherson, and by helping you of course I mean help me, Steve McPherson. It’s not just about my working for you and doing a job that I would love and be proud of, but it’s about finding me a nice Jewish husband and that is a mitzvah so do it for that reason in addition to the fact that I will make abc.com a must-visit site.
At the end of the day it’s out of my hands and all I can do is pray that this blog will get to you. Pray and beg. Pray, beg and dangle my son’s Mickey Mouse off my balcony until you call me.