‘Nymphomaniac': 5 WTF Moments, From Penis Montages to Christian Slater Bathroom Accidents

'Nymphomaniac': 5 WTF Moments, From Penis Montages to Christian Slater Bathroom Accidents

Lars von Trier's examination of sex addiction is as crazy as promised

Shia LaBeouf with a dodgy accent, Christian Slater missing the bed pan and Uma Thurman losing it are just a few of the treats offered up by “Nymphomaniac – Part 1.”

Lars von Trier‘s examination of sex addiction arrived on demand last weekend and the finished product is outrageous and compelling fun. It struggles to seem profound, and much of the philosophizing is as likely to inspire guffaws as gee whizzes. In a twist, there's a lot more fishing on display than human anatomy.

Part 2 hits on demand platforms on April 3, but it has a tough act to follow. Here's five WTF moments from the first part in the Danish director's between the sheets opus.

Also read: Shia LaBeouf Re-Emerges Into Public Life With Bar Fight, Drunken Ramble About Being ‘Normal’ (Video)

1.) SHIA LABEOUF AS DESPOILER

It falls to Shia LaBeouf‘s motorcycle riding ne'er-do-well to liberate Joe, the film's heroine, from her virginity. He's just as in-need of a shower as audiences will feel after the deed is done. It's an act that involves five thrusts (helpfully illustrated numerically on-screen) and the seediest chop shop outside of “Drive.”

However, the most bewildering thing is that LaBeouf decided to outfit his character with an extremely unconvincing English accent. No voice has veered between accents so wildly with the possible exception of Kevin Costner in “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.”  There's no logical reason for the choice, since other actors keep their normal voices. Stellan Skarsgård retains his natural Swedish inflected cadence and Uma Thurman sounds American born and bred.

Chalk this up to another off-beat choice from a true eccentric.

See photos: O-Faces Abound in New ‘Nymphomaniac’ Posters: Shia LeBeouf, Uma Thurman, Jamie Bell

2.) CHRISTIAN SLATER LOSES HIS DIGNITY AND HIS LUNCH

Cast your mind back to 1990. “Heathers” was flying off video store shelves and “Pump Up the Volume” and “Young Girls II” were causing millions of teenagers to suffer heart palpitations as audiences fell in love with Christian Slater.

What a difference two decades and a fecal film moment makes. In “Nymphomaniac,” Slater plays Joe's father. A sympathetic man of science who nevertheless requires Depends before slipping off into the orgiastic unknown. In the film's grossest scene, Slater soils his hospital bedroom, requiring an emergency changing of the sheets. Von Trier adds to Slater's indignity by focusing the camera on the actor's backside as a nurse wipes him off. Hopefully a digital double was involved.

Also read: Shia LaBeouf Apologizes to Lena Dunham – With a Lena Dunham Apology

3.) MORE FLY FISHING THAN “A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT”

Cast your lines. Audiences expecting hours of skin may be disappointed by the amount of time “Nymphomaniac — Part I” spends rhapsodizing about the pleasures of one of the least sexiest sports. Skarsgard has the impressive ability to relate every one of Joe's sexual experiences to fly fishing.  ”Oh that time you had a contest with a friend to see how many train passengers you could sleep with? That's just like this trout I landed once.”

Yeah, it's a stretch, but it's a better advertisement for the sport than “Field & Stream.”

Also read: ‘Nymphomaniac’ Reviews: Is Lars von Triers’ Latest Sexy or Stupid?

4.) DO NOT STEAL UMA THURMAN'S MAN

Hell hath no fury like Uma scorned. The most memorable moment in a film that overflows with scenes that will become the stuff of sexual nightmares, is when the “Kill Bill” actress shows up with kids in tow to confront Joe and her philandering husband. At one point, she steamrolls into Joe's bedroom with the unforgettable request to see the “whoring bed.” Another commercial tie-in opportunity for Sealy Posturepedic missed!

5.) OH, THAT MONTAGE!

The male member, in all its shapes, colors and sizes, takes center stage in what may be the most squirm-inducing montage in film history. There's a seemingly endless array of flaccid penises towards the middle of the film as Joe recounts her personal history with genitalia. She also offers up the scientifically dubious claim that if you combine all the removed foreskin in history, if would reach to Mars and back again. Given that Mars is 225 million kilometers from earth on average and 108 billion people are estimated to have been born throughout time, half of them women, that makes for some very busy mohels.

  • gabbycorner

    Sounds like it's meant to be a black comedy.

    • Lowell Cedric Johnson

      trust me it is a black comedy.

      • Ris1

        Have you ever watched a black comedy? Moron! Go join Gabby corner above racist!

    • Ris1

      @Gabbycorner: Shut your moronic yap! If the film was meant to be a Black Comedy, it would have been labeled as such. Hell, they are MUCH BETTER than the crap this film could ever be. Racist! Get the heck off of the Web before you infest the world with ignorance. Ignorance isn't bliss!

      • Mashie Niblick

        I'm not real sure it is gabbycorner that has to worry about infecting the world with ignorance! Just sayin’

      • HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

        Ris1, you have to truly be stupider than a damn box of rocks if you thought “black comedy” referred to a comedy filled with black actors. “Black comedy” means a comedy with dark/scary themes. Learn to use a dictionary, you simple halfwit.

    • Violet Stephanie Brook Apple

      @gabbycorner:disqus I am not really sure why everyone is calling you a racist. I am assuming you meant ‘black comedy’ as in dark comedy as in making light of serious subjects like rape, cannibalism, illnesses, etc.

      @Ris1 and Mashie maybe you shouldn't speak of ignorance and being moronic.

  • GovtOutOfMyBiz

    Slater was in ‘Young Guns II', not ‘Young Girls II'… Though at the time, he was a panty dropper, soooo…

  • SkipB

    Shia Labeouf's lack of craft and incompetence are not a “choice.”

  • Andrew Thomas Regan

    Another sexist film. A lot of these perverts making these kind of films are the first to degrade the male anatomy and call it art. Its their way of keeping the chicks happy.

    • Frederic Kahler

      Apparently you are not so good in that department.

      • Andrew Thomas Regan

        When a man is standing up for all of us, you should cheer for him, not put a knife in his back. Jerk.

    • http://batman-news.com Adam Teague

      Right wih you Andrew — another example of the typical, sexist, double-standard that men have had to deal with in alot of areas. Thanks for succintly making a great point. We could use your POV in some of the mens’ concerns chats.

      • Andrew Thomas Regan

        Just let me know, Adam and thanks.

      • Siouxsie

        This is a joke right? I truly hope you're joking. Because it would be moronic & ignorant to say that men experience sexism. I won't break it all down for you but here are a couple things men never have to deal with. Women make 76cents to your dollar. Women face objectification of their bodies everyday since birth not to mention horrible social pressure to be perfect, pretty & quiet. I could go on and on here but we both know that men have it sweet. This is really about misogynistic men trying to make their hatred look politically correct.

        • Andrew Thomas Regan

          That's right Siouxsie, keep repeating a lie and everyone will believe it. Women are not paid 76 cents to a man's dollar, its that women earn 76 cents to a man's dollar. Throwing doctors and childcare workers into the mix and dividing by the number of participants isn't fair and never has been fair. Men choose different majors and fields and are rewarded for it. Want more money, get a major that industry wants and not what you want.

          perfect, pretty and quite, try tough, brave and generous, you have it much easier again.

  • Loves sex

    I hope there is a lot of pussy too

  • gabbycorner

    The reason why I called it a “black comedy” or if, you prefer, a dark comedy is that everything seems so over the top. I think the social statements are hidden in the bizarre situations the protagonist seems to encounter and describe.. For those who think “black comedy” is a racist remark, I feel sorry for them.

  • Stacey

    Looking forward to the montage. :-)

  • Marlys

    Thanks for spoiling the surprise moments for some of us, a-hole. One day, you might actually grow up to be a real writer, but this slog isn't it. Take my advice: make sure your parents don't read your work or they'll cut you off and you'll have to leave the city and move back home.