You never want bad films to happen to great actors, but every once in a while one of your favorites inevitably turns up in an unfortunate and miscalculated clunker. Sadly, Catherine Hardwicke’s “Mafia Mamma” is that movie for Toni Collette. While she is one of the most fearless and versatile actors working today, Collette looks somewhat lost here as the story’s accidental crime boss on a quest to, well, “Eat Pray F*ck” (as one character in the film so elegantly puts it).
Despite having directed a fiercely diverse slate of genre-spanning blockbusters and indies across TV and the big screen—she’s done everything from “Thirteen,” to “Twilight” and “Miss Bala”— even Hardwicke seems a little bewildered in a script jointly penned by Michael J. Feldman and Debbie Jhoon, based on an original story by Amanda Sthers.
Collette plays Kristin, a sunny and frantic Californian with a college-aged son, a dead-end job in pharmaceutical marketing overrun by entitled misogynists and a carefree musician husband who screams insufferable prick with his casual sloppiness and halfway-buttoned shirts the minute you lay eyes on him.
Predictably, the hubby proves to be a sleazy cheater and the boring job becomes too much to take fast. Coming to the rescue is a phone call from Italy. The bad news: Kristin’s long-estranged grandfather Giuseppe Balbano had passed away. And the good news is Giuseppe’s righthand advisor Bianca (Monica Bellucci, inexplicably flat) wants Kristin to fly to Italy immediately to take over the late Balbano patriarch’s wine business.
Convincing the apprehensive Kristin is Jenny, played by the terrific Sophia Nomvete, who does the best she can with a part that is dangerously close to the “sassy Black friend” trope. (At least the story attempts to give her a little more to do in the final act.) Doesn’t Kristin have frequent erotic fantasies about Stanley Tucci touring Italy? Jenny suggests. What’s the harm in using the funeral as an excuse to go on a brief vacation to eat-pray and…well, you know the rest.
Of course, there is no wine business to speak of and Kristin learns this the hard way when the rivaling Romano clan opens fire on the Balbanos during the funeral. Kristin only agrees to linger in Italy because of a possible romantic interest, Lorenzo (Giulio Corso), and the devastatingly handsome adversary don (Eduardo Scarpetta) who just might become another fling.
While Hardwicke’s direction is slick across picturesque Italian locations and various high-octane set pieces that are shockingly bloody, there isn’t a lot she can do to rescue Collette’s fish-out-of-water protagonist from a lackluster mafia comedy with romantic undertones. Not when the film’s most inspired attempt at humor is a running gag about “The Godfather” that feels square almost instantly but insists on reappearing until the very last shot.
That’s too bad, because “Mafia Mamma” could have been a loose-limbed feminist comedy with a touch of Guy Ritchie-style grit for Collette. But like Dean Craig’s comedy “The Estate” before it, “Mafia Mamma” throws a long stretch of over-labored jokes her way with not much else to chew on and, regrettably, most of them don’t land.
It’s not quite the simplicity of the plot that continually weighs “Mafia Mamma” down. At its core it’s a 101-level feminist tale about a woman finally finding herself in the most unexpected of places. On the contrary, there are brief instances in this “Baby Boom” of mob comedies when Collette wins you over despite the odds, reinforcing her knack in fast-paced action and physical comedy with her supple timing.
In that regard, there is something worthwhile in following Kristin as she predictably builds a trusting friendship with Bianca, dismantles the rivaling family and teaches those gun-toting Italians a lesson in running a peaceful, ethical business as she resurrects the family vineyard and elevates some other segments of her ancestors’ dealings.
But the film still can’t rise above its worst instincts on the page, causing one to cringe often. It’s impossible to grasp, for instance, the intentions behind the prosthetic leg of a major character that inexplicably becomes a part of the plot. Or to laugh when the perplexed Kristin blurts out, “I’m completely in the dark here” and one of the Italians turns on the lights because, you see, he doesn’t speak English well enough to know certain idioms.
Elsewhere, the two bodyguards in charge of protecting Kristin—Alfonson Perungini’s Dante and Francesco Mastroianni’s Aldo—possess some charm, while Collette’s glamorous wardrobe when she steps into her new powerful post dazzles thanks to costume designer Claudette Lilly’s opulent work.
Despite the film’s escalating pace and twisty enough finale, “Mafia Mamma” leaves both the gun and the cannoli on the table.
