Jimmy Kimmel’s summer vacation is about to come to an end, and with it ends the string of guest hosts who’ve been filling in all summer. But the show saved the absolute best for last, because the final guest host is comedian Nikki Glaser, who delivered a truly hilarious monologue in which she roasted a whole bunch of politicians so brutally we bet at least a few of them will be whining about it tomorrow.
Glaser called it a “speed roast,” and that’s exactly what it was. In the space of about five minutes, when a photo of a politician — like Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Mitch McConnell and so on — appeared on screen she insulted them as quickly and cruelly as possible. It’s great, so we’ll just get right to what she said. Of course, you can just watch the whole thing at the top of the page now, but if you can’t, read on for the transcript.
“A lot of you have probably seen me on the Comedy Central Roasts – where I make fun of celebrities. But since I’m hosting a late night show – I just thought it would be appropriate to roast some politicians while I’m here,” Glaser said as she kicked the bit off.
“There’s a lot of freaks in Washington who deserve a good roasting and I don’t have a lot of time, so I’m gonna take ‘em all down at once – in the first-ever edition of ‘Nikki’s Speed roast,’” she continued.
First up, it was Donald Trump: “What can you say about Donald Trump that he hasn’t already heard at this point? Oh I know, ‘Yes, I’d love to have sex with you. I can’t wait to have your body on mine. Look at him. Well, at least now we now know the answer to the question, ‘What if a bloated factory-farm pig corpse could grab your p—y?”
Next, Joe Biden: “Joe Biden he’s so old – he had COVID 1. Oh, Biden. If he gets a second term, it’s actually very exciting, he’ll be the first president in his 80s and the first president to be assassinated by a slick bathtub so that’s cool.”
Then, former Vice President Mike Pence: “Mike Pence is so boring and white, CBS just picked him up for three more seasons.”
This was followed by current Vice President Kamala Harris: “Listen, I know we’re having fun, but on a serious note I do want to say: Kamala Harris is still missing. And if you have any information on her whereabouts please contact her parents they miss her. We don’t, but they do.”
“I have a theory though that we haven’t seen much of the vice president lately because she sentenced herself to jail. I think she just missed the rush of putting an innocent person behind bars,” Glaser continued, referring to the case of Jamal Trulove, an innocent San Francisco man framed for murder by San Francisco police when Harris was the city’s district attorney. However, in fairness, Harris was not involved in that frame-up and wasn’t the prosecutor in Trulove’s case. The joke was funny, though.
Next up was Senator Lindsey Graham: “Lindsey Graham. Ughh, how is it possible that the name Lindsey is too masculine for him? He looks like the head of a group called Grandmothers Against Interracial Marriage. And Gram, Gram is not just his last name, it’s also how much meth he gives his boy sex workers as a tip. So it’s just, fun fact. One Gram.”
Up next, Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi: “OK, it would be easy to make a joke about Nancy Pelosi’s looks, but I actually think the embalmers did a really good job so I’m not gonna go there. Nancy Pelosi. She’s such a giving person, she even donated the extra skin from her face lift to reinforce Mitch McConnell’s jawline.”
This led directly into jokes about the Senate Republican leader: “Good ol’ scrotum neck. You know, I’ve always wondered what that thing in the back of my throat looks like up close, and now I know. God, now that I’ve seen that photo of Mitch, my vagina is under severe drought restrictions. He makes me dryer than a Mormon wedding.”
After that, she roasted Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg: “What a trailblazer this guy is. He proves that just because you’re gay, does not mean you’re cool. Poor Pete. Pete, I’m so sorry you got stuck with overseeing transportation. I haven’t seen a gay man that disappointed since I had sex with my first boyfriend.”
Following Buttigieg, Glaser roasted U.S. Rep. Matt Gaetz: “Look at him. What a ladies man, right. No, I’m sorry, I mean what a child’s man. He’s the only guy whose forehead is taller than all of his girlfriends. You know, you’d think he’d have better hair for someone so good at grooming.”
Then she roasted Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders: “Bernie Sanders looks like the guy you sit next to on a southwest flight who eats hard boiled eggs out of a plastic bag.”
Next was ex-New York City Mayor Rudy Guiliani: “Ah, this rodent. Rudy Guiliani. Rudy Guiliani, 9/11 was your shining achievement, and now it’s your blood alcohol level. God, no one has squandered a legacy more than you. He used to be a hero, and now everyone hates you. I mean I guess it’s nice that white people finally have our OJ Simpson. You’re guilty and we all know it.”
Then, Sen. Ted Cruz: “Ted Cruz, everything is bigger in Texas except your sad, soggy penis. Ted has put on a few pounds over the last few years, but honestly that’s what happens when you’re constantly eating… Trump’s ass.”
Last up was right wing Georgia Republican Marjorie Taylor Greene: “Marjorie Taylor Greene is proof that the left and the right really can come together. I mean, just look at her eyes. I actually appreciate this woman, because now I know what it would look like if I had a daughter with Mickey Rourke. Marjorie she’s of course anti-abortion and sadly so was her mom.”
“Am I going to hard on poor Marjorie,” Glaser continued. “Marjorie, she’s had a rough week, I should be nice. I know Marjorie, you got swatted twice this week – which is terrifying and I’m so sorry that happened to you. But let me just say: It really could not have happened to a dumber bitch.”
We’ll probably find out soon enough which of these politicians have a sense of humor and which ones don’t.
Anyway, Glaser’s speed roast was legitimately the funniest thing to happen on “Kimmel” all summer. Bring her back in the future, guys.