By now you've probably seen the open letter Kim Kardashian posted regarding her divorce from Kris Humphries.
It's a lovely letter that offers all the sentiment that one might expect from someone as worldly and well read as Kardashian's publicists Jill Fritzo and Noelle Keshishian at PMK*BNC.
Well, before every final copy, there's a rough draft. And my very secret sources tell me that Kim was insistent she give it a go herself, before her handlers cleaned it up and posted it.
Thanks to those same sources, I have uncovered that draft, combined with the changes that became the final break-up manifesto.
"This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to
make my publicist re-write write. I see all of the (what's the word when people like you?) support and I am so thankful for my sponsors, customers, fans, friends and family who are managing my career helping me through this highly-predictable difficult time. Do I have to keep writing? Can't I just do this on Twitter?
I am trying not to read all the different
(what's the word for that show the cute guy Brian Williams is on?) media reports, but it’s hard not to see all the (what's the word for really, really bad?) negative ones.
foreskin foremost, I married for ratings and because Ryan Seacrest told me to love. I can’t believe I even have to (what did my daddy do for O.J.?) defend this. I would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show (because I was busy doing…err…answer this later)! I share so much of my life on a "reality" reality show, that (what's a fancy word for thinking that'll make me sound smart) contemplating whether to even film my wedding for just $6 million was a tough decision to make but when they bumped it up to $12 million, I said 'OK', and maybe it turned out to not be the smartest decision because the ratings weren't what we'd hoped.
But it’s who I am
as we all saw in the X-rays of my bottom! We filmed Kourtney giving birth, (Whatsherface? The tall one?) Khloe getting married, my porno with Ray J and his awesome penis, God damn, I miss that thing, break ups, make ups, money shots, our best moments and our worst moments.
These were all real moments,
as real as the nose on my face before I had it tweaked. (Make me sound real here, but still slightly above the losers who watch my show) That’s what makes us who we are. We share Reggie Bush with that slut Melissa Molinaro, we give and receive oral, we love Danilo Gallinari and we are open to every position!
('Who' or 'that'? Fuck it, no one has read this far anyway) that knows me knows that I’m hopeless a hopeless romantic! I love that $2 million ring with all of my heart and soul. I want to televise a family and (the little thing that Kourtney has) babies and a "real" real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon, again the ratings for the wedding were less than the season premiere. Plus he's not even the best player on his team.
I believed in love and the
(stuff that happens when I'm sleeping. You know, where I wake up and I'm naked in Yankee Stadium with Derek Jeter and the Pope) dream of what I wanted so badly.
I felt like I was on a
(What's that thingy at Disneyland that rolls and coasts?) fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off (ha ha! I said 'get off') when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up with the hookah hoopla and the (Can I just blame the whole thing on E! here?) filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people.
(What's the word when you're not lying about everything?) honest here and I hope you respect my (something that makes me sound like that female boxer chick Hilary Swank played, but without eating the tongue) courage because this isn’t easy to go through.
But I do know
basic math that I have to follow my heart. I never had the (planning ahead thingy) intention of hurting anybody except maybe the tall guy and I accept full responsibility for my actions and decisions except for all the stuff that's making E! and Kohl's mad at me, and for taking everyone on this waste of time journey with me. It just didn’t turn out to be the tooth fairy fairy tale I had so badly hoped for. Fuckin' A. This is such a goddamn waste of time. I've got reservations at BOA for 7:30.
There are also
(stuff that happens on that show with the cute guy from 'Saved by the Bell') reports that I made millions of dollars off of the wedding. These reports are simply not true, it was closer to $18 million and it makes me so sad to have to even Claritin clarify this.
smiley face grateful to everyone who took the time to come to my the thing we filmed in Montecito wedding and do it for scale, and I’ll be donating the money for all the gifts to some group of losers the Dream Foundation. This means I get the tax write off and you don't.
I’m sorry if I have hurt anyone, but my dad
(Don't talk about the O.J. thingy here. People seem to think he might have done it.) always told me to follow my heart I believe now that I really am. I'm having open auditions for my next boyfriend next week at the Beverly Hilton, Conference Room 2D. So if you're between the ages of 21-35 and have a net worth of at least $10 million, come on down. It's for my newest show, "Who wants to marry a Kardashian?" P.S. Suck it Paris.