Jimmy Kimmel is still on vacation, and his guest host this week is Tiffany Haddish, who kicked things off with a highly amusing bit where she announced a run for president.
And as she explained to the “Jimmy Kimmel Live” audience during her monologue, she’s at least as qualified as Donald Trump, because “I’ve got all the qualifications to be president. I’m rich, I’ve been arrested a few times, and I always say crazy s–t.”
Haddish promised her “vision for this country” would “blow your mind… When I’m President, all profiles on dating sites must include your credit score. If you can’t handle your business, you ain’t touching my business.”
“Under a Haddish Presidency, every Subway Sandwich shop will now carry Pastrami sandwiches, damn it! Just the way the Founding Fathers wanted it to be! They intended it that way,” she continued.
Haddish the promised to “issue an executive order allowing people to pay their taxes with old gift cards. We’re gonna run this country, this government like a company, and that company is Sizzler.”
“I also will make it a crime to show up on time to a dinner party. Who in the hell is walking into my house at 6 o’clock for a 6 o’clock dinner? White people, that’s who,” she continued.
After vowing to change the capital of the United States “from Washington DC to Hankinson, North Dakota,” Haddish added, “Instead of elevator small talk, let’s do elevator Big Talk. ‘Quick, tell me about your divorce before the doors open.’”
“And finally,” she vowed. “I’m getting rid of those little robots that deliver food. In my America, robots will only be used for sex stuff! No more STDs yall.”
And then she unveiled her slogan, which is basically what Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Walz said in 2024: “We Mind Our Own Business.’ Yes, hashtag ‘We Mind Our Own (Damn) Business.’”
Watch the whole monologue below:
