‘The Bachelorette’: Jake Steals Ali’s Spotlight

Roberto and Ali bring PDA to a new level

We're down to five, and the boys approach Chris in Lisbon, Portugal. 

Chris tells the guys that those with a rose (I'm a poet and didn’t know it) will be able to introduce Ali to their families. Four dates, no roses, one rose ceremony.

The guys hit up the hotel and find a date card that asks Roberto to be the king of her castle. I wish that was a sexual euphemism, but I doubt it … Ali walks in (with her boobage/horrible extensions leading the way) and fetches Roberto. They take a few non-HD pictures of themselves in various degrees of fun poses, including one where Ali whispers something horribly dirty into the ear of a palace guard.

For the record, the guard didn't flinch, at least not visibly.

Ali and Roberto pukingly dance in the street and kiss. Just an observation: Whenever a couple engages in excessive PDA, their relationship will always be based on sex. They continue their public display of affection on the tram. Barf…

Another date card is slid under the door, and a two-on-one date is in the cards for Frank and Ty. Frank is unimpressed, and wants more alone time. Back on the PDA date, the kissing couple is perched atop a castle having a picnic. I'm watching and listening what's on the screen, I really am, but Ali's fake laugh is proving too much of a distraction. This setting should be the most romantic thing ever, so why am I having such a hard time keeping the contents of my stomach from spilling all over my laptop?

Three's a crowd. Or is it?

Time for the two-on-one, and Ali is waiting for Ty and Frank by a helicopter. They get a breathtaking view of Lisbon before setting down near another gorgeous castle. They enter the dining room and all sit down to dinner.

Ali is visibly uncomfortable and isn't thrilled with having to dine intimately with two guys. She asks for a lot of wine, and if she plays her cards right she can finally have that threesome she's always fantasized about. She pulls Ty aside first, and they chat about their families. Ty comes across like the real deal, and I am beginning to feel sorry for him for getting involved in this whole Bachelorette fiasco.

Back at the hotel, it's time for yet another date card, where Kirk gets the next one, titled Once Upon a Time. Once upon a time there was this show called "The Bachelor," where every single contestant went on to find love only to be terribly disappointed in the end. Anyway, Frank gets some alone time and drops the bomb that he… are you ready… lives with his parents! It's probably the wine, but Ali appears to honestly be impressed by this. She brings him up into a tree, likely because she always wanted to live out the "Ali-and-so-so-sitting-in-a-tree" sing-song. The three leave their date holding hands. Awww…

Kirk is the king of Ali's castle

Kirk and Ali meet up in a park, and if her skirt were any shorter… In the immortal words of Chachi Arcola: Wah, wah wah! A horse-drawn carriage awaits, and the prince and princess are treated to a lovely stroll. Question: Can any of these dates go on without alcohol? Really? Alcohol on a horse-drawn carriage? Is that necessary? Anyway, the pair find themselves at the top of yet another castle, and Ali is becoming withdrawn. She realizes how serious all this has become and may be having second thoughts. They sit down to dinner outside the stunning palace, and Ali starts opening up. They kiss and begin to enjoy themselves. Back at the hotel, the final date card arrives for Chris saying how love gets better with age. If only this show were that lucky… Ali and Kirk circle the palace and find two guitarists and a singer performing romantic music for them. Their date ends with another spectacular view of the castle and Portugal.

Ali takes the wheel from Chris

Chris is next up, and they're in for a scooter ride. Chris isn't off to a good start helming the two-wheeled vehicle, and this provides some humorous moments. Ali takes the driver's seat – both figuratively and literally – and she opens it up both on the road and with her concerns about her slow-starting relationship with him. They proceed to a winery, where even more alcohol is about to be consumed. They talk about what a huge step it would be for her to meet his family. He seems very eager for the opportunity, and even has a gift for her. It sounds like he's calling it a dentist bracelet, but I think it's supposed to be tennis bracelet. Whatevs… this works wonders on her, and they kiss passionately. Score for Chris! They walk off with Chris telling her how warm inside she makes him feel. There's a really easy sex joke there, but the dude actually seems genuine, so I won't go there.

Rose ceremony

We skip past the sausage party and jump right into the rose ceremony. Ali says a few dull words before handing out the first rose to Chris. Next three go to: Frank, Roberto and, after a very long pause, Kirk. Ty looks crestfallen, but should thank his lucky stars that he doesn't have to put up with her for the rest of his life.

Jake steals the spotlight once again

The last 40 minutes of the show is taken up by the Jake and Vienna interview that everyone has already beaten to death, so I won't be rehashing what you already know. All I'll say is: It was so freaking awesome seeing this couple argue like junior high school kids on "The Jerry Springer Show." It's as if the whole world is getting retribution for saying that these two wouldn't last. It also proves how utterly futile the show is for "finding love."