More Like: Leaden Globes

No one streaked. No one cursed, no one got eaten by Mickey Rourke

That’s it? That was the Golden Globes?
That soggy, anemic (well, Lautner was there) unfunny pseudo-awards show broke its previous unfunny and “entertainment” lows.
By the way, thanks heaps to Cameron for letting us know about your ”need to pee” as you accepted the statue. What is he, 8?
And why did Toni Collette have to remind us that when she won for “Muriel’s Wedding” she was “in the loo.” Julia Roberts said that NBC was "in the toilet.” Been around toddlers too long, Ms. Roberts?
Toilet humor stopped being funny since Benny Hill died. Speaking of lack of sardonic wit, what happened to Ricky Gervais? His self-deprecating style had been funny because he underplayed. Used to.
Not this time. He mercilessly plugged his poorly reviewed, soon-to-be-released-DVD, “The Invention of Lying,” jabbed at Steve Carrell’s bad imitation of Gervais’ original character from "The Office" and was unbearably boring when he could have been explosively funny.
Last night’s show was as boring as the Oscars. And that’s bleak. When the highlight is a terribly edited Martin Scorsese tribute montage-film, it’s time to hit the pause button. All these craftspeople couldn’t put together a watchable snippet? Who directed this mess?
To make matters worse, Gervais had a lot of nerve referring to something that had jumped the proverbial shark. He did a full dismount into the brine.
For those unaware, the Golden Globes Foreign Press comprises a scant 86 members who have been wined and dined and flown hither and thither, on the industry’s dime. Unlike most reputable critics, this mysterious group has run a great gig for decades, living the life in-between their day jobs. The back-story reads like a Hollywood screenplay: corruption, greed, scandalous behavior, oh my.
The Oscars is voted on by more than 6,000 members.
So why did I (and apparently millions of you) once again waste time watching this Globular drek? Because we wanted a fight to break out among the close-sitting, champagne-swilling stars. We wanted some hair-pulling.
At least someone falling up the steps. Well, we did have “some kid” (was it Taylor Lautner?) rip apart Chloe Sevigny’s dress. And in the middle of her thank yous, she paused and said something to the effect that “that kid ripped my dress.”
Meh. Who really cares, it wasn’t even yours, Chloe. It was bad enough that Brad & Angie were no-shows, and the rumored “Jen-Angie” fight proclaimed over before it began. (You know Angie would win, unless Jen accidentally snapped off one those veiny arms.)
No one streaked. No one cursed, no one got eaten by Mickey Rourke.
The one touching moment? Jeff Bridges, who thanked not only the usual suspects but also his stand-in. That’s one classy dude.
Gervais could take a lesson if his ego ever deflates.