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Open Letter to Jeff Zucker: Put Them Together

Why not Leno and O’Brien together, a la Martin and Lewis?

The get-two-for-the-price-of-one plan laid out below is moving along nicely. TMZ reported that NBC signed a new contract with Jay for the 11:35-12:35 "Tonight Show" only hours after Nikki Finke reported that the network will keep Conan off the air for 3 ½ years if he doesn’t agree to host the show starting at 12:05. People.com quoted a source "close to O’Brien," who said,"Conan does not currently plan on doing any more new shows after next week,” (emphasis mine) which leaves room for negotiation.
My sources (also known as spirit guides) say a co-hosting deal will prevail–and beat Dave in every demographic–unless hurt feelings get in the way. Good job, Mr. Z!
Mr. Zucker, do not despair that Conan will only accept the “Tonight Show” starting at 11:30 — the time NBC promised Jay. This is a blessing in disguise. Giving them both the same show at the same time is the only way to bring back the glory of the old “Tonight Show,” in a 21st century, never-been-done-before way. Millions will tune in to watch for signs of seething: a glint in the eye, a sharper than necessary retort, a foot carelessly extended as the other walks toward him. “Jay & Conan” will be bigger than “Jon & Kate.” I promise.
Dear Mr. Zucker,
As someone who’s been looking to get into the spiritual life-coaching industry and has attended several teleseminars on how to do so, I believe my insights can bring NBC, its affiliates and all concerned a win-win solution to the current "Tonight Show" disarray.
Be a uniter, not a divider. Give them both the "Tonight Show."
But not, for heaven’s sake, as you are planning now, with Jay at 11:35 and Conan at 12:05.  That’s just going to prolong the animosity and turn fans of one against the other.
The spiritual (though not necessarily religious) way to untangle this is to have them join together as a team. Not like Conan and sidekick Andy (who will succeed in an arena even more metaphysically rewarding if he visualizes his goal and repeats daily his belief that he will achieve it), but as equals, like Rowan and Martin or Martin and Lewis.
Jay can be the older, smooth Italian one, like Dean. Conan can be the childlike bumbler who yells, “Hey, lady!”
While they will conduct celebrity interviews together — and be a riot as they top each other’s jokes — each will have special segments that give plenty of opportunity to shine.
Jay will go Jaywalking. Conan will have Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog. Trust me, this will be a laugh-a-minute show and Conan’s fans will come to love Jay as they never dreamed they could, while Jay’s fans will finally get Conan’s sense of humor.
And that is not the best part. This pairing will lead to a series of motion pictures that "TwoNight Show" (note the name change) viewers will flock to, which will cross-promote the show and help make up for revenue lost by Jay’s poor lead-in to the 11 o’clock news and Conan’s loss of the King of Late Night title to the not-so-spiritual Letterman.
I also have plans for TwoFunny action figures/video games, etc., sure to turn what the Los Angeles Times calls “one of the biggest debacles in television history” into a personal triumph as awe-inspiring as Atilla the Hun’s defeat of (parts of) the Roman Empire.
To receive further details and coaching rates, feel free to post a comment below.
Your guide to your dreams,

Sondra Lowell is the inventor of the Film Sleepy genre, movies that put the audience to sleep. Her first feature, "WebcamMurder.com," follows fictional yet unimaginative lifecasters who spend their time on webcams 24/7. Her second feature, Sublime Crime: A Subliminal Mystery, is the first entirely subliminal mystery in history.