Stephen Colbert is bracing for the apocalypse following a computer glitch that temporarily shut down the New York Stock Exchange.
“Do you understand that for nearly four hours America’s bankers had no idea how rich they were?” the “Late Show” host lamented in a new video.
Colbert also feared he had become the last celebrity on Earth and apes had begun hosting talk shows. “But if apes are the new people, who are the new apes?” Colbert asked. “Dogs? They’re not ready for that kind of responsibility!”
He also said he has prepared himself for just such a catastrophe. “Some may have forgotten the old ways, but not me,” Colbert said. “I have prepared for the times when pain is the only law and blood is the only truth.”
Colbert went on to say that once the dust settles he will repopulate the Earth with his new queen, a chicken he named Vindaloo.