Stephen Colbert mocked President Trump’s Gold Card, an expensive new visa that promises to offer rich immigrants expedited citizenship approval for the low cost of around $1 million, during his “Late Show” monologue on Thursday night.
“It’s deep into December. He’s making a list, checking it twice, then handing that list to the people at ICE. Donald Trump ruins everything he touches,” Colbert sang at the top of the night, in a Trump-themed riff on “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town.” To back up his claim, Colbert unveiled the Trump Gold Card, calling its design — which prominently features the president’s face — “pretty awful.”
“Just a quick message here to rich immigrants before you pony up… Have you considered Canada?” Colbert joked. “They have Katy Perry now. We used to have her, now they have her.” The “Late Show” host added, “Besides the obvious virtue of letting rich people get things before mere humans, this card is supposed to squeeze cash out of businesses who want to hire skilled foreign workers.”
“To do that, businesses will have to pay $2 million, plus a 1% annual maintenance fee of $20,000, plus a 5% transfer fee,” Colbert explained. “But don’t worry, all Gold Card members will be screened.” In response to U.S. Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick’s claim that the program’s applicants will all be vetted to make sure they’re qualified to be Americans, Colbert joked, “Question One: How many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?”
Later, the CBS comedian told his viewers Trump has found new ways to mess with their money. “The Trump administration has scrapped plans to mint quarters to honor women’s suffrage, the civil rights movement and the abolition of slavery,” he explained, before joking, “Nobody tell him the guy on the penny freed the slaves or he’ll stop making those, too.”
Finally, Colbert capped off his Thursday monologue by partly pivoting away from the president. “There’s one thing Donald Trump won’t see his face on anytime soon. That’s Time magazine,” he said. “They just announced their person of the year and it isn’t him. Instead, it’s the other thing that’s going to kill us all.”
The “Late Show” host then teed up the 2025 Time Person of the Year cover, which features the “Architects of AI” (i.e., tech CEOs like Elon Musk and Sam Altman) sitting on a construction beam together high above New York City.
“That cover photo is inspired by a famous photo of iron workers having lunch on a steel beam of a skyscraper,” Colbert noted, placing the two images side-by-side. “There’s one slight difference. This time, you’re rooting for the wind.”
