Tiger Woods Scorecard: Winners & Losers

Winners include RadarOnline, Golf Puns and Joy Behar. Losers: Safe Sex, ACORN and Gloria Allred.

Last Updated: December 15, 2009 @ 7:46 AM

With our armed forces fighting a two-front war amid signs that the glacial economic recovery will leave Americans far less employable than before, national attention has naturally gravitated to a sex scandal.

Here’s a scorecard of who and what survived the wreckage of Tiger Woods’ life and who became collateral damage.

WINNER
Golf Puns. “Twelve holes over par . . . Tiger’s putter . . . Tiger’s wood . . . Stuck in Rachel’s sand trap” – America loves it when sports lingo naughtily slips into double entendre, and the scandal has provided us with the kind that would make a connoisseur such as the late George Carlin proud.

LOSER
Golf. Tiger did more for golf than Bobby Fischer did for chess in the 1970s. He took a tired-ass white guy’s pastime and turned it into something exciting, sexy. Now, with Woods’ fugitive withdrawal, the game is poised to return to its Plaid Ghetto.

WINNER
RadarOnline. While other celeb gossip nodes, including TMZ, National Enquirer and Us Magazine, all scored scoops, Radar had an impressive number of early exclusives, including nude shots of Rachel Uchitel and bikini photos of Jaimee Grubbs, and news that Uchitel had been paid off by Woods’ representatives to publicly deny their affair.

LOSER
ACORN. Just because they’re blamed for everything these days.

WINNER
Interracial Sex. Well, sorta. Ten months after the inauguration of our first mixed-race president, the mainstream media and chattering classes didn’t touch the preference for blondes by our first mixed-race golfing great. White pundits preferred to focus on the global skankiness of it all. Not so with black commentators, who saw a Sammy Davis Jr. example in effect. "Why is it when they get to this level,” African American author Denene Millner told AP, “they tend to go directly for the nearest blonde?"

LOSER
Safe Sex. Drugged-out couplings, multiple partners, no condoms, sex with cocktail waitresses, porn actresses and, perhaps, hookers. News of Tiger Woods’ penchant for That 70s Sex may bring nostalgic tears to the eyes of aging Playboy readers, but it only underscores the indifference America’s high-profile male role models have for the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies.

WINNER
Joy Behar. Sure “The View” had to apologize for co-host Behar off the cuff crack, "U-chi-tel she’s a hooka," but her flip remark merely expressed what many people had been thinking.

LOSER
Gloria Allred. Just when it looked as though the Mighty Morphin Powersuit Ranger had scooped another A-list victim, Rach Uchitel became so radioactive that Allred was forced to cancel Uchitel’s debut press conference only hours before it was scheduled.

WINNER
Cadillac Escalades. At a time when General Motors is on the ropes and SUVs have become pariahs in a climate-conscious world, Tiger’s ’lade proved it to be the right place to be for an intoxicated philanderer when he hit a fire hydrant and tree, as an angry wife tried to tee off on him with a nine-iron.

LOSER
Gatorade. The sports drink suddenly found itself represented by an athlete who needed to be rehydrated more because of his sexual efforts than his exertions on the fairway. But instead of standing by their man – or figuring out a way to make Tiger’s scandal work for them – Gatorade unceremoniously dumped him as though he were Michael Vick caught with a stash of kiddie porn. The same goes for Gillette, consulting firm Accenture and a host of other commercial sponsors who have either dropped Woods completely or are “re-evaluating” their ties to him. Only Nike and game-maker Electronic Arts seem to be sticking with Woods.