Lindsay Lohan, Shannon Price, LeBron James, Melissa Etheridge, Jeremy London, Al Gore and the entire tabloid media industry should be thanking God right now for Mel Gibson.
On Friday, Gibson was dumped by his talent agency, less than a week after the death of his agent of more than 30 years. The he said/she said allegations of domestic abuse, child endangerment and extortion being lobbed by Gibson and his ex-mistress are now headed to the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s office. Transcripts and, more recently, audio from confrontations between the couple have revealed new Gibsonisms that put “Sugar Tits” to shame.
The PR advice usually doled out to salvage a career gone astray – like a surprise appearance at the MTV Awards – won’t work this time around. That’s because Gibson has proven himself to be in real life a fairly unrepentant racist, homophobe, anti-Semite and misogynist with nuclear-level anger issues.
Between the comments made during his 2006 drunk-driving meltdown and these new ones, he’s alienated much of the Hollywood entertainment industry as well as the majority of moviegoers. So the standard formula of choreographed public contrition that we’ve all come to demand of stars who’ve taken a tumble would have all the effectiveness of pouring Elmer’s Glue into Deepwater Horizon. Because we just don’t believe him anymore.
Reversing such personality issues falls far beyond the capabilities of the cleverest flack. The trick to effective redemption is to work with the hand you’re dealt. So as a public service to Gibson, we offer the following advice:
Go away. Maybe not for good, but at least for a few good years. And that doesn’t mean retreating to your Malibu estate, since Mel sightings and the consequent paparazzi flareups will inevitably happen at the Country Mart or a friendly PCH bar.
Move back to Australia (it was, after all, first settled as a penal colony). Or Canada (they’re genetically much nicer than we are). Stay below the radar. Raise sheep.
Don’t date. At the risk of betraying the sisterhood, I gotta admit that when I first laid eyes on your most recent paramour, I immediately thought, “Trouble ahead.” After nearly 30 years of marriage, you weren’t exactly prepared for modern-day relationships and especially the ambitious young women whose career goals are to land rich middle-aged Hollywood celebrities.
So start thinking with your head rather than those other body parts. In fact, for the foreseeable future, stay away from all women except maybe those in that Texas polygamist cult who dress like extras from “Little House on the Prairie.”
Smile. I know how you feel about us Jews, but it’s worth learning our perfect Yiddish word for the miserable face you inevitably put on whenever you’re confronted by almost anyone in public: ungabluzum. You’re an actor; you should be able to fake pleasant in the most uncomfortable of situations. Have lots of gently self-deprecating lines memorized for the predictable questions and comments you’ll get.
