Oscars host Jimmy Kimmel got by with a little help from his friends last night.
One of them, former “Man Show” partner Adam Carolla, has now shared some of the jokes he personally wrote for Sunday’s ceremony that didn’t make it to air.
On Monday’s “Adam Carolla Show” podcast, the so-called “Podfather” read aloud a few options he scribed for the ABC awards show and Kimmel. Like all joke-writing ventures, the vast majority of his quips didn’t last the final cut.
Below are all the Trump quips that Carolla recorded prior to the live Academy Awards broadcast. The setups and punchlines were revealed on an “ACS” episode released after curtains closed. Fair warning: They’re not all winners.
-“Many people in this room have called Donald Trump a racist. But did you know, he had an ancestor that came to this country on a slave ship? It’s absolutely true. And legend has it, that old Captain Trump was a hell of a skipper.”
-“Diversity: It’s a big issue tonight, and to be fair to Trump, anyone that knows him, knows that he speaks about diversity every chance he gets. OK, he’s talking about his portfolio.”
On Leonardo DiCaprio meeting with our new POTUS:
-“How many times did he yell, ‘I’m king of the world!’?”
-“How many times did he call you ‘Leon?'”
-“Leo, I bet you miss our last president: Talking climate change, shootin’ hoops, hittin’ off a spleef. Now you’re sitting in Gordon Gekko’s office, watching the guy practice his putting and calling you ‘Leon.'”
(Carolla then explained they’d obviously only use one of the “Leon” options, if any.)
-“What went on in Trump’s office? Was it like that scene in ‘The Aviator’? Did he feed you whole brook trout and show you a painting of alpacas?”
-“Leo, were you able to explain to him that his abuse of Aqua Net was melting the polar caps?”
-“I’m very excited to be hosting the Academy Awards. And to think, it all started with a dream and a million-dollar loan from my dad.”
This last one didn’t directly mention Trump directly, but our readers can probably figure out the motivation behind it. And yeah, this wasn’t one of the options that would have been scrapped just for time.
-“So many people have been telling me it’s time to bring this country together, ‘You need to say something to unify this nation.’ Let’s get this straight everybody: I’m not a statesman, I’m not a captain of industry. [I’m] just a regular guy [who] gets up in the morning, puts on his tuxedo, has his makeup applied, and is carried to his limousine — just like everyone else.”
He had plenty that weren’t Trump related. Listen to Monday’s “Adam Carolla Show” here for more unused jokes — and even a few digs that you actually heard on Sunday.