Hollywood executives are only good at two things: needlessly remaking old material and acting like God. So when offered the opportunity to contribute to TheWrap.com, it seemed only appropriate that I — Temp X, King of Hollywood and Hero to the Underemployed — employ these same concepts in my maiden posting.
Following are the holiest of holy imperatives — the 10 Commandments — if a Hollywood executive were to remake them (and don't put it past them, as they've already remade classics like "Psycho," "The Manchurian Candidate" and a few hundred other movies) to accommodate their sliding scale of morality and self-importance.
God Says: I am the LORD thy GOD.
Hollywood Executive Remake: I am the LORD thy God.
God Says: Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Unless it's Rupert Murdoch, Sumner Redstone or Robert Iger, take a message. Oh and where's my Venti, Soy Caramel Macchiato?! Have you heard a f—ing word I said?! Where's my lunch today?
God Says: Thou shalt not take the name of God in vain.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Thou CAN say "S—," "Piss," "F—," "C—," "C—sucker," "Motherf—er" and "Tits" when yelling at your assistant. However, Human Resources has informed me you CANNOT say "God Damn It!" because it discriminates against those who practice polytheistic religions including Hinduism, Wicca and whatever Madonna is in to these days.
God Says: Remember to keep the Sabbath holy.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Thou shalt not do drugs, cheat on your spouse or violate the terms of your DUI probation on Saturdays, unless you didn't go to sleep the night before. In this case, it's technically still Friday.
God Says: Honor your father and mother.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Nepotism kicks ass.
God Says: Thou shalt not murder.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Anyone below me on the "org chart" shalt not watch "Swimming With Sharks" nor get any ideas from said film. Other prohibited films include "Office Space," "The Player," as well as certain scenes from "Fight Club" and "American Beauty." Viewing "Secretary" is permitted and encouraged.
God Says: Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Thou shalt commit adultery, especially with that hot new intern in marketing.
God Says: Thou shalt not steal.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Thou shalt not steal unless the idea is really good, offers sequel/spin-off possibilities and/or has extensive merchandising opportunities. Suitable examples include "Paul Blart: Mall Cop"/"Observe and Report," "Wife Swap"/"Trading Spouses," "Antz"/"A Bug's Life," "Finding Nemo"/"A Shark's Tale" and "Benjamin Button/Forrest Gump."
God Says: Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor.
Hollywood Executive Remake: I'm not really FEELING this part. Maybe we just leave it for the deleted scenes or the box set.
God Says: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Aston Martin DBS because you have a perfectly nice Prius that your new girlfriend — the eco-warrior with D-cups in a Size 2 dress — makes you drive even though you can afford the $260,000 dream car.
God Says: N/A
Hollywood Executive Remake: More is better. "Watchmen" was 36 minutes better than "Iron Man." Since I have 11 commandments, I'm better than God. But you already knew that.