2 More Dance Out of Our Lives

It took me almost a full week, but I’m finally able to sleep through the night without terrifying images of last week’s “So You Think You Can Dance” zombie numbers flashing through my mind. (To be fair, though, I’ve been using my David Archuleta night light.) If I can survive that, I can survive anything, […]

Last Updated: July 31, 2009 @ 7:27 AM

It took me almost a full week, but I’m finally able to sleep through the night without terrifying images of last week’s “So You Think You Can Dance” zombie numbers flashing through my mind. (To be fair, though, I’ve been using my David Archuleta night light.)

If I can survive that, I can survive anything, right? Wrong!

Last night’s elimination episode featured a group dance with the only thing scarier than the undead. (No, not the pageant moms from “Toddlers and Tiaras.”)

Clowns. Six of them. In full face paint.

Seems that Archuleta will be lighting my way through yet another week.

In efforts to stretch a show that should take about 10 minutes into a full hour, four Emmy-nominated dances from last season were reprised, including Jessica and Will’s “Silence,” whose costumes seemed to be inspired by either Adam and Eve or “The Swamp Thing.” “America’s Best Dance Crew” champions, JabbaWockeeZ, also performed. (In creepy blank masks, I might add. Thank goodness for Archuleta!)

These performances still weren’t enough to fill the entire hour, so in a move that, by comparison, made Katie Holmes’ appearance seem completely relevant to the world of dance, the producers had rapper Sean Paul perform his song, “So Fine.” In his defense, though, he did have back-up dancers. (No pressure, girls.)

On Wednesday night’s show, Nigel expressed concern that the audience had been voting on the choreography rather than the actual dancing.

How dare he! Does he think I’m an idiot? I know that choreography is not the most important component of dance! I’ve been voting solely on the costumes.

Honestly, though, if I look beyond the outfits and the adorability of Evan, I’d have to admit that the strongest dancers in this competition are Brandon and Kayla. Yes, Kayla’s Wednesday night solo was awkwardly choreographed with randomly placed leaps and squats. But said leaps and squats were still perfectly executed.

Brandon’s solo dance to “O Fortuna,” on the other hand, got a standing ovation from the judges. It would’ve earned one from me as well but I was too dumbfounded to move after watching him leap and flip in his briefs. (Extra costume points for, uh, no costume!)

And if their solo dances didn’t seal their fates, the number they performed together certainly did. The high-energy disco routine was kind of like if the cast of Xanadu competed in a gymnastics meet while high on cocaine. And I mean that in the best way possible. America liked it, too, and Brandon and Kayla will both be competing in next week’s finale.

In the end it was Ade and Melissa who ended up dancing out of our lives. Yes, their cancer routine was enough to save them last week but this week they weren’t given anything quite as powerful. For instance, one of Ade and Jeanine’s dances was about eviction.

I did not make that up.

While Melissa is graceful and poised, I’m not sure that those qualities appeal to America. Her quick-step and Broadway routines on Wednesday had the potential to be very light and fun but her performance was very stiff (despite the red sparkly bra).

As for Ade, no one can deny his talent but I was tired of seeing him do fast dancing to slow songs every week on his solo.

Jeanine is the underdog in this quartet. 

For those of you who are shocked that Evan made the finals, I’d just like to mention his non-threatening adorability again and remind you that many a teen girl watches this show. Plus, there’s no pretense or darkness in Broadway dancing.

It’s fun and it makes you smile … Kinda like a David Archuleta night light.

"THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA"
My favorite housewives are back!

The difference between our Atlanta sistas and the Jersey girls? Piss somebody off in Jersey and you get whacked. Piss somebody off in Atlanta? You get “checked.”

The juiciest scoop on these peaches is that this season, loyalties and alliances have shifted. Effervescent NeNe and her nemesis Sheree have buried the hatchet and have bonded over gossiping about Kim. Lisa is no fan of Kim either, who has allegedly been going around town claiming that Lisa is on drugs. (To be fair, she DOES seem like she could be hopped up on speed.)

Plus, there’s a new girl in town. DeShawn, who was far too pleasant (read: boring) for the show, has been replaced by Grammy Award-winning songwriter, Kandi. Guess who Kandi has a professional relationship with? Dallas Austin, the producer who set tone-deaf Kim up with a trainwrecktastic recording session last season.

Looks like Kim’s country music “career” is not gonna pay the bills now that she’s split from the mysterious “Big Poppa.” (Internet rumors claim he is everyone from an Atlanta real estate developer to Quincy Jones.)

To support herself and her kids (including a third child that her psychic, Rose, claims is imminent), Kim (the show’s only white character) wants to develop her own line of — what else? —  wigs. Anyone who has watched the show has probably scratched their head and wondered why Kim’s coif always looks suspiciously like that of Nouveau Riche Barbie. Well, it’s because she wears a wig herself, due to a past illness that she wants to make clear was not cancer. (Watch last season’s reunion special; you’ll understand the controversy.)

Sheree’s divorce is finally, uh, final and she’s had to move into a smaller home since her ex neglected to pay the mortgage on her mansion. In celebration, she’s planned an “Independence Party” and teamed up with event planner Anthony to plan a bash that sounds as tacky as an adult version of “My Super Sweet 16.” Helicopters and handmaidens were discussed. Need I go on?

Yes, I must, because the best part is that Sheree and Anthony did not see eye to eye on the concept of “customer service,” resulting in an all-out shouting match complete with cursing and finger wagging!

All of this and it’s only Episode 1! Let’s hope that all this drama doesn’t culminate in another table-flipping incident.

 Wait. Who am I kidding? Let’s hope that it does.

"BIG BROTHER 11"
It was a night of amusing one-liners over on “Big Brother.” When Julie Chen referred to Casey’s speech as “the banana’s final appeal,” I had to laugh in spite of myself.

I’ve gotta hand it to him, the “bitter banana” rallied for his place in this game. And when if came down to his “appeal,” he didn’t mince words. He called out Ronnie for being a “manipulative dorkopotamus” with a God complex and referred to Jessie as a self absorbed egomaniac with the IQ and personality of a banana.

Pretty accurate on all counts. What’s interesting, though, is that despite having no personality, Jessie is still at the center of the Lydia-Natalie love triangle. He’d better watch his back, though.

In a creepy segment, Lydia, backed by “Psycho” music, expressed how she liked to watch Jessie sleep. We then saw actual footage of her watching Jessie sleep, as her voiceover stated that she hopes he never makes her mad because she could do whatever she wanted to him while he slept.

Casey tried to drum up enough votes to keep himself in the game but only ended up securing Russell’s. Surprising, as this could’ve been a real turning point in the game and a chance for everyone to get out from under the thumb of the Athletes clique.

The biggest tragedy is that we didn’t get to enjoy that banana costume for the full week.

Jordan evaded eviction for the second week in a row. Hmmm … did it ever occur to anyone that her whole “dumb” thing is just an act so that she doesn’t appear threatening? If so, she should win an Academy Award, even though the “I don’t know how to tell time” speech may have been a little over the top.

The Chenbot announced that the cliques are no more and also alluded to a twist where a houseguest chosen by America will have a mystery power to use sometime during the next two evictions. Only the one with the power will know what it is and they can only let the others know at the moment that they use it.

What is this secret power? To pull a coup d’etat on the HOH, overruling their nominations by replacing either one or both of the nominees right before the live voting. I voted for Kevin, as I’d like to see him get some more screen time. I’m hoping he’ll get sick of Lydia’s whining and turn on her!

Last night’s HOH competition left off with the houseguests revolving on a swing and getting whacked by a giant diploma in honor of graduating from their cliques.

Who will become Head of Household? And more, importantly, who will win the power of Coup D’Etat? I know but I’m not telling!

Let’s hope the “season of the dork” continues! Teflon Ron is too entertaining!