Colin Jost’s Secretary of War Pete Hegseth declared “frat party” rules for the military, while James Austin Johnson’s President Trump questioned Jost’s absence from the Riyadh Comedy Festival in Saudi Arabia in tonight’s Season 51 premiere “Saturday Night Live” cold open.
“Our military is gay as hell,” Jost’s Hegseth announced at the top of the cold open. “Thanks to failed liberal policies, our army has never been gayer, and yet it’s also never been fatter. Make that make sense?” Further mocking Hegseth’s own military speech earlier this week, Jost’s Secretary of War added, “Our military will now have the same rules as any good frat party. No fat chicks, and if you’re a fat dude, god damn it, you better be funny as hell!”
Jost’s Hegseth then tee’d up Johnson’s Trump, telling “SNL” viewers, “We are facing the greatest threat to freedom and democracy the world has ever known, and we all know what that threat is: late night TV.” The president slid into frame, only to tell Jost that he was surprised to see him on “SNL” tonight.
“I thought he’d be with his friends at the Riyadh Comedy Festival,” Trump remarked, prompting Jost to admit, “I didn’t get an offer.” Turning back to the camera, Trump joked, “We love the Saudis because they like to saw-these journalists in half… That’s the kind of thing that would kill over there.”
You can watch tonight’s “SNL” cold open yourself in the video below.
As he ushered Jost off the stage, Johnson’s Trump referenced the president’s purported, real-life letter to Jeffrey Epstein, telling the “Weekend Update” co-host, “Colin, may every day be another wonderful secret. That was a quote from a poem I wrote to a horrible man I’ve never met before!”
“Here we are. ‘SNL’ Season 51… should have called it at 50, right?” Johnson’s Trump joked. “So sad to see something get old and confused and yet still demand your constant attention. Oh, well. But they better be on their best behavior, otherwise they’ll have to answer to my attack dog at the FCC, Brandon Carr.”
Mikey Day’s Carr subsequently danced into frame to the beat of Rockwell’s “Somebody’s Watching Me,” only to unsuccessfully inform his boss that his first name is actually Brendan.
“It’s crazy you think I care,” the president replied. Moments later, right before he officially kicked off the night’s show, Johnson’s Trump added, “Remember: Daddy’s watching!”
