The season begins with a seriously long montage of Ali Fedotowsky in many different wardrobes, poses and varying degrees of that already-annoying laugh of hers.
I must admit that there’s something about her that rubs me the wrong way; a fellow colleague here at TheWrap (who has met Ali) had some pretty harsh words for her in an email to me a few months ago. I haven’t met Ali so I can’t judge, but I really hope that her personality eventually wins me over like Jillian’s did last season.
Anyway, through the opening five minutes, we don’t learn much about her that we didn’t already know, other than the fact that she’s really adept at handling balls. Soccer balls, people — geez, the show hasn’t even begun and already your collective minds are in the gutter.
Before meeting Ali, we get a look at the 25 bachelors who are there to win her heart (and/or other parts of her body). The highlights: first dude we meet is Frank, and he seems like a goof but there’s something likable about him; Craig the Torontonian comes across as a total bunghole; Kyle the mountain man tells the camera “I need a woman,” just as he’s drilling a hole in the ice (man, sometimes this crap just writes itself); some wrestling dude named Justin has an alter ego named Rated R, and just for that name alone he gets the Bunghole of the Season Award; really, ABC, a weatherman? Jonathan is a weatherman; Ty just got off a divorce, AND he plays the guitar (two strikes against him already); and Chris L. is looking for a woman to replace his mom (watch out, Ali).
In the limo, the boys toast Jake for screwing up, and appear nothing if not incredibly horny for Ali, who arrives in her own Limo. She’s dressed in a lovely black dress and is rockin’ some hair extensions giving the impression that she’s trying to look like Britney Spears. Chris rehashes the job situation from The Bachelor and blah blah blah can we please move on from this? Ali states how she really wants the boys to be here for the right reasons and hopes she’s smart enough to differentiate from honesty and deception.
After commercial, the boys pull up. Some highlights: Yeahhh, Vancouver is representin’ with Chris H.! Jesse from Peculiar, MO makes a very bad joke. The Frank dude that I originally thought was kinda cool proves me wrong by jumping out the top of the limo. Wrestler dude limps out in crutches and hops up the stairs. Did Jay the lawyer just call her Sweetie? Bad news, Ali. Uggg … My wife asks where the super hot dudes are … Some dude (whose name I care not to rewind and fetch) actually prefaces his opening speech with, “So check this out …” Next!
Outdoors guy mimes a fishing rod to reel her in and she falls for it hook, line and sinker. Roberto speaks some Spanish, which works big time on Ali’s libido. Craig, the bunghole from Toronto, tells her he’s glad she’s not Vienna. Wow. John C. actually fakes a proposal and drops to a knee and presents her with a cubic zirconium ring. Kirk from Green Bay makes her a rose from a red piece of paper. Tyler from Austin mistakenly assumes that Ali wore cowboy boots last season, but I believe he may be thinking about Jillian. Dude, you’re a season too late, and Jillian’s taken … Hunter announces that he’s coming in for the hug before he comes in for the hug. Ummm, then he announces he’s gotta take a leak. The hits just keep on comin’, everyone.
Derek arrives, and I guess ABC has to throw in the token gnome each season. Derrick (different spelling) introduces himself as “Shooter” – I don’t wanna know. Jason hops on top of the limo and does a back flip off the roof. Bunghole #3, ladies and gentlemen!
In the mansion, the boys are singing Ali’s praises. She arrives and commands them to get this party started. Frank is the first dude to steal her away, and he’s quick to explain his desire to put passion ahead of the quest for the dollar. Kirk is next up and presents her with the overtly girly scrapbook he’s created for her. The guys make fun of him for this, and usually I’m not a fan of bullying, but seriously, a scrapbook? I find myself with the bullies on this one. Kasey is next, and is wayyyy too overzealous. He’s also quick to overshare about his dad cheating on his mom. Curiously, Ali is all up in that and is really diggin’ him.
Hunter, who resembles a leprechaun, whips out his ukulele (no, that’s not a euphemism) and Weses (yup, it’s now a verb) a song. Shooter steps up to the plate and delivers what may just be the biggest admission in Bachelor history: his nickname is based upon his penchant for premature, well, you know, shooting. Wow, wow, and wow. Ali’s reaction: “What the f*ck.”
Chris enters the room with a rose and Roberto steps in and demands some one-on-one time. I so want to shave his eyebrows … Roberto pulls her up for a brief salsa dance. She is very smitten by him … When Ali asks Chris L if his parents are still together, he lies and tells her yes, despite the fact that his mother passed away. Does this seem creepy to you? Kyle the hunter dude who hasn’t been with a woman in a long time gives her a fishing hook from his hat. Once again, hook line and sinker …
Wrestling guy Justin gets the sympathy card and Ali takes him outside. He shows her his Rated-R shirt and actually calls the other 24 guys “Jabronis.” The Rock storms upon the set and exclaims, “Don’t you ever, ever, use the word Jabroni again or I’ll give you the People’s Elbow.” I honestly wish someone would come in and give him an elbow to the head. The boys give Justin a hard time and Craig R, who resembles Toby from The Office, calls him Rated Dishonest, and rats him out to Ali in a one-on-one. And right on cue Chris appears, and demands the boys sell each other out by writing down the name of the guy they believe isn’t here for the right reasons.
Craig, Jonathan and Justin seem to be the frontrunners in the ballot box. Is it me, or does this crop of guys seem incredibly boring compared to Jillian’s season? Anyway, despite the eyebrows, Roberto is on the receiving end of the first rose. The boys call him Rico Suave, because, you know, that one has never been used before. Hunter the Leprechaun posits that the only reason Roberto got the rose is because of his “hot sauce dance.”
Chris re-enters with the ballot box results, and the gentleman that received the most votes is… Justin. This is what happens when you come in to the house with a shirt that says Rated-R. Ali goes against the boys and decides to give him a rose.
And finally, it’s time for the first rose ceremony. The lucky (depending on your perspective) guys: Jesse, Ty, Craig R., Tyler V., Frank, Steve, Chris L., Kirk, John C., Chris N., Chris H., Hunter, Craig M., Jonathan, and Casey. Oddly, Derrick the Premature Ejaculator is going home – for lack of a better term — prematurely.
Well, another season begins, and the first episode is behind us. I wish it were more interesting and I sure hope it gets better than this, but ABC is quick to set me on the right path with tension-filled scenes from the upcoming season. Here’s hoping.