‘Bachelorette': Even More Drama Than ‘The Hills’

Before we begin, I must share with you this tidbit from an interview with rejected foot fetishist, Tanner P.:   “I was just blessed. All the guys knew it because we had outdoor showers, and so they all called me King Dong. I did tricks with my wiener at one point. Some guys would shower […]

Last Updated: June 30, 2009 @ 6:47 AM

Before we begin, I must share with you this tidbit from an interview with rejected foot fetishist, Tanner P.:

 

“I was just blessed. All the guys knew it because we had outdoor showers, and so they all called me King Dong. I did tricks with my wiener at one point. Some guys would shower with their swimsuits on, and I wasn’t about to do that. I just had fun with it. People would be outside barbequing and cooking a steak. I’d be out there with my sausage ding-a-ling hanging out. It was all in good fun.”

 

Whoa. Never before has the TMI acronym been more appropriate.

Tonight we begin in Philly, where Reid is waiting for Jillian. They touch noses, and their kisses come off as awkward. Reid’s parents have a very nice house and appear to be well off. Reid’s mom Rhonda pulls Jillian aside and gives her the Robert DeNiro "Meet the Parents" treatment. Rhonda finds Jillian adorable. Like a puppy, adorable? Hmmm …

The brothers take time with her, and Jillian passes the test. Papa Larry gives Reid some good fatherly advice: “Neither a borrower nor a lender be …” Not really, I just made that up. I’ve decided that Reid reminds me of Matthew Perry. Decent family visit, but I don’t think they have great chemistry, despite Jillian’s claims that she fell hard for Reid. But remember this is the girl that cried incessantly after Ed left.

Michael is up next, in Valencia, California. Oh no, Michael has a twin. Lord help us. Strangely, his father looks like Bernie Madoff. Mike and his twin decide to pull the switcheroo on Jillian. Gee, that’s a new one. They don’t fool her. Fail. Bernie Madoff (150 years is not enough), I mean, Mike’s dad, is warning him about not getting his heart broken.

Mike’s brother Steve corners Jillian and they have a good heart-to-heart that makes Jillian second-guess her reservations about Mike’s age. His sister Jenna even interrupts dinner, arriving from Australia. Jillian fits in well with the family, though I find there is something odd about mother Lynn. Mike is sad to see her go, and thinks she’s the one for him.

Next up: Kiptyn in San Diego (our home away from home). Kip tells her that he has two stepdads. Jillian says that he’s the guy he’s always dreamed of. Kip’s parents’ house is sweet! One of the first words out of Kip’s stepdad’s mouth is “indoctrination”. Is he pretentious or what …

 

Uh oh. Mom puts Jillian to a Gordon Ramsay-inspired food test.

She passes. Mom and stepdad are impressed. They seem a bit too hoity-toity for me, and I think Jillian is concerned as well. Oh yeah, Kip’s sister is hot. Anyway, Mom Eve corners Jill, and I don’t like her line of questioning, being “intense and intimidating.” Mom then asks “How do you deal with an overbearing mother in law?” At the end, she kind of warms up a bit.

 

Now it’s hot tub time and Mom looks out creepily from the window. They make out and we fade to black.

Jesse is up in Carmel, California. Not impressed with the way Jesse is dressed; that sportcoat is not at all flattering. Jillian, however, looks great in her striped green and white sweater. They share an awkward moment on a blanket in the middle of the field and don’t appear to have much chemistry. Jesse’s family is reserved, and his brother Jake comes across as chauvinistic.

Mom and Jillian analyze Jesse. Jesse and brother Jake discuss Jillian’s cuteness. Jake reminds me of Kid Rock, and calls Jesse “an emotional ice cube.” And not that Ice Cube from NWA. Dude, you just f’d things up for your bro. The date ends with the whole family jamming on guitars and drums. Rock on! They kiss as Jesse compares Jillian to a fine wine in a talking head.

Guess who’s next? Everyone’s favorite douchebag, Wes. Austin! I love Austin,  one of the coolest cities you’ll ever visit. Wes explains that he wants her to meet his other family – his band. He talks about their CD coming out. Wes and his band suck, and I’m not just saying that because I hate Wes and don’t like country music.

Did Wes just say that no woman could make you feel the same way you do when you’re on stage? Yup. Oh, the douchebaggery. Hold on — we get an update! Jake the pilot is back!!!! And he’s going to wreck the party!!! WOOHOO!!! Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Wes is singing his song for Jillian. It still sucks, but Jillian loves every minute of it.Jake is in Austin, folks.

Wes i telling her that he needs her all to himself, and she is buying every bit of crap that he’s selling. We cut to a commercial, as Jake is ready to crash the party!

Who shows up at Jillian’s hotel? Jake! Jillian is shocked. This. Is. Awesome. Jake spills the beans about Wes. He fumbles around miserably, but eventually tells her that Wes has a girlfriend. Jillian looks like she’s just been given the worst news of her life. She’s crying, and even questions Jake’s confidence in this news. Girl, get over it — Wes is a loo-zer. Wes is coming down the hall, and … commercial.

Wes enters her room and she confronts him, asking if he has anything to tell her. She pushed the girlfriend issue and Wes feigns ignorance. She gets specific and mentions Jake by name. Wes scrambles and looks as guilty as Bill Clinton saying, “I did not have sexual relations …”

Like Slick Willy, Wes’s game plan is deny, deny, deny. Jillian doesn’t know whom to believe. They are really stretching out this drama, but we knew this would happen, didn’t we? Jillian calls Jake and he comes back to the hotel for a Jake/Wes showdown.

 

The boys have it out while Jillian looks on with a look of utter bewilderment on her face. Wes won’t fess up and Jake is getting pissed off. Jillian states that she needs to follow her gut, then says goodbye to Jake, who is crying in the hallway.

Wes is pretending to be Mr. Understanding, but is so transparent. He swears up and down that he doesn’t have a girlfriend, blah blah blah. Jillian is buying it, because she agrees to meet his family, who take his side, and are as blind to Wes’s ugly side as Jillian. Hook, line and sinker … Jillian takes the bait. Puke, puke, puke!

Back in Bev Hills, and guess who’s back? Ed, who happened to be “in the neighborhood!” Ed tells her that he made a big mistake and wants another shot. Ohmygawd this episode is getting way out of control. Ed begs and begs, and Jillian invites him to the rose ceremony, and tells us that she will now let two of the six guys go.

Rose ceremony. Once again, Jillian’s rockin’ the formalwear and looks stunning. She rehashes the week’s events with Chris. Ed walks in and the boys are shocked, and Wes is relieved that it’s not Jake. The roses go to … Reid, Kiptyn, Ed (shocker!), and yet again, Wes.

 

I would write what my wife and I screamed at the screen when Wes got the rose, but it wouldn’t be appropriate. Michael is very hurt, and I think she made a mistake by cutting him.

Ya know, us men are often cursed with making bad decisions based on our second head, but sometimes women aren’t all that different. Such is the case with Jillian, which is what she’s thinking with when she chooses Wes.

And then there were four … next week in Spain.
 
 

Mark Stone is a freelance entertainment writer living in Kelowna, BC, Canada. He is the managing editor of DailyBrainCandy.com and author of "Behind the Screen: Hacking Hollywood."