A few nice things happened in the second episode of "The Bachelorette."
Jillian more or less abstained from saying “cool” and “totally,” which brings Jillian back on our side (good thing), but at the same time brings our drinking game to a grinding halt (bad thing — damn it!).
Two, it took a full 86 minutes for Tanner P’s foot fetish to be brought to light again.
And last but not least… The Harlem Globetrotters, ladies and gentlemen! Any time those guys show up, you know you’re in for some fun.
Otherwise, "The Bachelorette" insists upon dishing out more and more cheese for us to digest. Sure, it goes down easy, but your stomach will eventually seek retribution on you. Now that my stomach has settled, let’s get to a brief recap of the second episode.
The show began with the boys learning that instead of living in the mansion, they’ll be taking residence in the guesthouse — frat-boy style. Which is fitting for the majority of these dudes, since their personalities aren’t too far removed from their frat-boy days, some much more so than others (that would be you, Dave).
Dave is the only guy there that I absolutely cannot stand, and I hope that he finds himself naked in the pool full of hungry piranhas.
Enough about Dave.
On the group date, ABC decides that since "The Amazing Race" is so successful for CBS, why can’t they pull off an "Amazing Race"-type stunt for "The Bachelorette?"
Reality shows copy each other all the time, but this one may be the first to cross genres. Wes (the country singer) wins the one-on-one with Jillian and the two dine in a locked bank vault. They kiss. Jillian gives Wes a rose.
For the solo date, Jake The Pilot is up. They head to a country-and-western store to get done up all country-like. Some points Jillian had gained for refraining to speak like a Valley Girl have been deducted for liking country music, but I’ll try not to hold it against her for too long.
The two hit up the House of Blues and Martina McBride sings for them, which is probably cool if you like country. Jake loses points for interrupting her speech on marriage with a major kiss. Jillian didn’t seem to mind, however, and Jake gets the longest kiss of the night, and a rose.
Second group date: basketball with seven more dudes plus the Globetrotters.
Aside from the Globetrotter Trick Basketball Clinic, boredom ensues until Mike strips down to a Speedo and runs into the ocean. Jillian, obviously not choosing her words wisely, says that her heart melted when she saw him. “Did I say heart?” Jillian said when the cameras stopped rolling. “My bad. By heart I meant to say my coslopus.” (Thanks to Chelsea Handler for the word coslopus. Never gets old.) Mike gets a rose.
Back at the mansion, it’s the cocktail/sausage party and the boys do their best to monopolize time with Jillian. The announcer guy (he’s so innocuous that his name escapes me) comes in and tells the boys that they will be allowed to vote out the guy they wish to send home.
Juan loses out, but Jillian saves him, and gives him a rose. Believe it or not, Juan is one of the only men there who does not make me want to punch him.
More boredom until Brian strips down completely naked and jumps in the pool.
Later in the evening during the rose ceremony, Brian goes home empty handed. In his exit interview he speculates that being hung like a light socket probably didn’t help his case.
Leaving the mansion, Brian was handed a copy of the Season 5 DVD of "Seinfeld," which contains the classic “The Hamptons” episode where George experiences shrinkage.
Worst. 'Bachelorette.' Ever. (Yawn.)