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‘The Bachelorette': Nice Guy Finishes Last

Maui looks beautiful and so does Jillian in her bikini. As the show opens, she draws a heart in the sand with a J and a question mark.

Oh boy … First date is Kiptyn, and she explains that 10 percent of her is uneasy about him. Jillian takes Kip on a ropes course, because she wants to make sure that he can be there for her. They kiss a lot. I’ve noticed that there are too many talking-head chats breaking up the action and narrating their thoughts — this may become a problem.

Their date continues to a deck overlooking the ocean, where they consume various fruits and wine.

The evening portion of the date takes place at the top of the Sheraton Maui. They have dinner and Jillian tries to push him to reveal his flaws. Kip says he has issues with patience. I know mine is certainly being tested, as this date seems rather dull to me.

She admits her fear of falling hard for him, making her vulnerable. I perk up when Jillian pulls out another nightcap card out of her hat … now it gets interesting. This time, Jillian and Kip are taking the fantasy suite key and they proceed to the bed. Fade to black as they leave us guessing.
Reid is next, and Jillian is sporting a beachball (singular — get your mind out of the gutter, guys). She tells the camera that she’s concerned about his ability to communicate. He tells her he’s falling for her, and, wait … did she just say “ditto”? Kiss of death, dude. Not a good sign.

They take a helicopter ride, which Reid equates to being in heaven. The pilot tells them that he’s an ordained minister that marries people in helicopters. Oh-kay … They land and have a picnic by the ocean. Discussion turns to how rushed this whole process is. (Duh.)

Reid admits he’s a little hesitant, and their communication seems somewhat stilted. Jillian tells the camera that time may run out on her and Reid. Their relationship seems forced.

After the commercial, it’s dinnertime on the beach. Jillian brings up the subject of who would move where for whom. Reid feels pressure and says he’s not sure if he would propose to her. He admits he’s indecisive and that it’s a problem.

Criss Angel shows up and makes the nightcap card appear out of the sand (not really, but if he did at least it would bring some life into this very dull episode so far) and they decide to use the fantasy suite. Reid keeps circling around his true feelings and can’t say the “L” word. Next thing we know, they’re in the hot tub!

Are they naked? Damn bubbles.

Ed is up, and they’re going out on a catamaran. Ed says she looks so hot that he wants to attack her. Swim time, and the underwater cameras get some nice shots of Jillian. She tells the camera that she couldn’t wait to “wrap her legs around him.” Her words.

Ed drops the bomb that he’s flown his parents in to meet her. Upon hearing this news, Jillian wraps her legs around him, calling his plan “brilliant.”

Time to meet the family.

Jillian gushes about Ed to his parents. Ed looks nothing like his parents, by the way. Mom Judy takes Jillian to the balcony for a heart to heart, and more gushing about Ed transpires. Meanwhile, Ed convinces his dad that his job is still secure and that he would definitely get engaged if he were the one chosen.

Dad Rick is happy for him despite the unusual circumstances. Dad then moves outside and takes his turn grilling Jillian. Is his dad crying? Wow. Rick seems like a great guy, even though he bears a slight resemblance to Ralph Wiggum.

The couple break away from the parents and take to the beach, where Penn Jillette appears with the nightcap card, and no surprise, they’re going to have some “intimate, cozy, sexy time,” Jillian says. It’s not difficult to conclude that Jillian and Ed have the most chemistry so far.

At the fantasy suite, they have a very meaningful conversation about how they would complement each other. Nothing about this seems forced, and I am now convinced that Ed is the one. They proceed to the bed, and Jillian retreats to the bathroom and returns in nothing but a long white shirt. They massage each other and the cameras linger on their oiled up skin.

Cut to commercial.

Chris shows up the next day, and it’s time to rehash the dates and the guys. We learn nothing about Kiptyn and Reid that we haven’t already learned in the many talking heads that have been dispersed throughout the episode. Interesting to note that with Ed, the two fell asleep after the massage. So are we to deduce that with the other guys, you didn’t  fall asleep? Hmmm …

After the commercial, the boys have left personal video messages for Jillian, each professing their undying love for her in their own way, but Ed goes one up and says he wants to propose. As the videos play, each guy pulls up in the limo and is being brought to a spot by the ocean — kinda cheesy.

“Coming up, the most emotional rose ceremony ever,” we’re told. And it’s time for another rose ceremony.

Yay, Jillian’s back to rocking the formal wear. She tells them that she’s falling in love with all of them. Really? She calls Ed out for a private chat to air out her concerns about not having enough sexual chemistry in the fantasy suite.

Awkward conversation. Was this orchestrated by ABC to create doubt and drama?

Anyway, it’s rose time. The roses go to Kiptyn and … Ed. No surprise. Part of me feels bad for Reid, but he should have been more forthcoming and honest with his feelings.

Before saying goodbye, Reid admits he should have opened up a bit more, but I don’t think it would have made a difference.

Next week? The reunion show! The season finale airs in two weeks.
 

Mark Stone is a freelance entertainment writer living in Kelowna, BC, Canada. He is the managing editor of DailyBrainCandy.com and author of "Behind the Screen: Hacking Hollywood."