Stephen Colbert spent considerable time in his monologue on Wednesday’s episode of “The Late Show” talking about the horrific murder of 19 children and 2 teachers by a gunman at a Texas elementary school. And during his comments, he repeatedly called out the ‘solutions’ offered by conservatives.
But first, Colbert also argued that the ban on assault weapons should be reinstated.
“Although it can be argued there are many reasons, we know the biggest reason for these tragedies is the guns. And right now the United States has approximately 400 million firearms, which is more than 40% of the total guns in the entire world,” Colbert said as he started the segment. “That stat’s even more harrowing considering that we have 100% of the world’s Floridas.”
“Now there’s a simple, if extremely difficult solution: Reduce the number of guns. We’ve done it before, and it worked. Joe Biden knows that,” he continued.
Colbert played an excerpt from Biden’s remarks about the shooting on Tuesday night, in which he noted that after the assault weapons ban passed in the 1990s mass shooting declined considerably. And when the ban was lifted, mass shootings tripled.
“That’s not complicated. If there’s less of something that is built to kill people, fewer people will be killed with that thing. That’s why these days, you see so few mass catapult attacks,” Colbert said.
“Now, there are things Congress could do, right now. Congress just refuses to do them. For instance the Senate could pass HR-8, a bill that was passed by the house over a year ago which would close loopholes in the background checks law. It’s being held up by Senate Republicans, possibly because background checks are supported by ‘only’ 90% of voters,” Colbert continued.
“90%! The only thing more popular than background checks is Dolly Parton riding a giant corgi bringing you free ice cream, and birthday sex.”
Colbert then brought up how Democratic Texas gubernatorial hopeful Bet O’Rourke interrupted a self-serving speech about the massacre by Texas’ current Governor Gregg Abbot. O’Rourke noted, accurately, during his interruption that Abbot is “doing nothing” about the problem.
“That’s not true Beto,” Colbert joked. “They’re not doing nothing. They’re yelling at you for pointing out that they’re doing nothing.”
“Some people, you might, call this a stunt. But all he’s doing is calling bulls— on their lie, the lie that ‘they will do anything that might upset the gun lobby that lines their pockets,” Colbert added.
“Another liar” on that stage in Texas, Colbert continued, “was Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton,” who, Colbert noted, went on Fox News on Tuesday night, where he said: “We can’t stop bad people from doing bad things. They’re gonna violate murder laws, they’re not gonna follow fun laws. I’ve never understood that argument.”
“I gotta say, ‘laws are pointless’ is a bold position for the Attorney General,” Colbert said once the clip of Paxton ended. “I think he just announced the purge.”
But Colbert held particular scorn for “perhaps the nothing-est nothing that ever nothinged,” a statement by Georgia Republican congressperson Marjorie Taylor Green, who deflected from the actual problem on Tuesday to falsely claim the issue is mental health.
Colbert joked that it’s unfair to say Republicans have “no solutions,” because “they actually have some pretty bad solutions.” Among them, as Colbert noted, is the idea of arming teachers.
“It’s not just the teachers who these cowardly dipsticks think should be armed,” Colbert said. He then played clips of various conservative weirdos saying that security at schools could be handled for free by retired military and ex-cops and other such people volunteering.
“Yes, that is their brilliant answer to our epidemic of gun violence: Arm the seniors. They shouldn’t be hard to find, they’re all members of the AAR-15,” Colbert quipped.
Colbert also mocked a guest on Sean Hannity’s show Tuesday, who suggested installing elaborate booby traps around schools to catch potential assailants, which he repeatedly called “man-traps.”
“Yes, it’s trip wires and man traps, it’s stairs covered in tiny toy cars, it’s crushed up Christmas ornaments on the floor, it’s hot irons on pulleys that swing and hit the bad guys in the face, it’s cardboard cutouts dancing in front of the windows, I saw it all in that documentary with Joe Pesci,” Colbert joked. He was, of course, describing the events of “Home Alone.”
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