If I didn’t know the sci-fi horror comedy “Cold Storage” was based on a 2019 novel by “Jurassic Park” screenwriter David Koepp, I would have assumed the script was over 30 years old and found in a dusty old locker somewhere. “Cold Storage” plays like a 1990s indie slacker comedy that got cross-pollinated with “Return of the Living Dead.” If the CGI weren’t so slick that it no longer feels tactile, it could have passed as a convincing nostalgic throwback.
Instead, “Cold Storage” plays like it’s slightly out of time, and slightly confused about its identity. Joe Keery from “Stranger Things” stars as Travis “Teacake” Meacham, an ex-con working at an underground storage facility that used to be a secret government compound. There’s a strange beeping noise all of a sudden, so his new co-worker Naomi (Georgina Campbell, “Influencers”) suggests they go exploring, deep into the catacombs, where they find a killer zombie space fungus that’s been on ice for decades.
Green glop sprays everywhere — which it’s actually been doing for a while, throwing the whole concept of an “inciting incident” out the window — and now Teacake and Naomi have to run from, hide from, and eventually fight their way through grossly infected co-workers, boyfriends and even an ill-fated local deer. Two retired government agents, played by Liam Neeson and Lesley Manville, are on their way, but it’s hard to tell if they’ll rescue our heroes or just blow up the entire compound with everyone in it, infected or otherwise, in a morally squishy attempt to save the rest of humanity.
There are two movies fighting for dominance: the wacky, laid-back comedy about two hapless, blue-collar employees who banter and maybe fall in love, and the gory sci-fi horror comedy about exploding monsters and deadly vomit. It’s not a natural fit. Keery and Campbell need laid-back vibes for most of their scenes to work, but without a sense of urgency, the whole genre element falls flat. It would be nice to report that “Cold Storage” finds a way to successfully combine those two disparate tones.
Yes, it sure would be nice.
Instead, director Jonny Campbell puts a little too much faith in the quirkiness of the mash-up. More emphasis on either side might have made a huge difference: the comedy could have been off-set by constant interruptions from the horror, or vice-versa. As it stands the film never commits to anything, so the audience has the same trouble. “Cold Storage” is an easy film to watch, but in order to like it or love it the filmmakers would’ve had to try a lot harder. At anything.
“Cold Storage” is a little late to the fungus soirée. People have been attacked by mushroom creatures since 1963’s “Attack of the Mushroom People,” if not earlier, and the fungus among us only got more humongous with the hit video game and TV series “The Last of Us.” Fungi are more visually exciting than an old-fashioned zombie virus — that’s for sure — and they allow for weird mutations aplenty. But CGI effects are typically too clean to convey a sense of tactile ick, even though ick is exactly what a film with its mycelial network rooted in classic, low-budget genre-comedy gross-outs like “Night of the Creeps” and “Demons” really needs.
Keery and Campbell are decent fits for this material, although Naomi isn’t nearly as fleshed out as Joe, which makes it seem like her character might secretly be interesting. She’s not, but that won’t stop Campbell from making her fun. Neeson and Manville are the cavalry, and aren’t allowed to do anything until the third act, but Koepp’s script gives them plenty of banter and the actors seem to enjoy working together. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Manville blow something up before, so that’s a fun change of pace. Vanessa Redgrave also turns up, and it’s always nice to see her, even though it’s clear she’s a fun, random cameo and not actually part of anything going on.
There’s a scene in “Cold Storage” where the heroes harp on about zombies, and Keery has a line that goes out of its way to defend Made-for-TV genre films. That may be the clue to unlocking this whole production. It’s got a little more money, and significantly bigger stars, but it’s the kind of well-intentioned, vaguely amusing, weirdly lackadaisical sci-fi horror flick you’d normally watch on basic cable. On a Saturday afternoon. While you also do something else. Or possibly while taking a nap. Some movies come with a stylized popcorn bucket. “Cold Storage” should come with an old La-Z-Boy your cat has been using as a scratching post.
