Colbert Cold Open: Hallmark Channel Goes Full Guy-on-Girl Porn to Prove It’s Not Into Gay Stuff (Video)

“Time to get your sugarplums off and your nuts cracked”

Last Updated: December 17, 2019 @ 8:19 AM

Stephen Colbert didn’t even wait for his monologue to mock Hallmark Channel for its initial decision to pull a Zola ad featuring a lesbian kiss. No, CBS’ “The Late Show” went right after the cable channel in the cold open.

“Hallmark really wants you to know that we value traditional, heterosexual relationships,” a voiceover read. “To show you how much, Hallmark is proud to introduce Hallmark After Dark.”

The soft holiday music soon gave way to some of that ’70s bass-and-horn stuff. Yeah, it’s on.

Hallmark After Dark is just like your favorite Hallmark Christmas films, but “with hardcore man-on-woman jammin’,” as the (fake, obviously) commercial went. “We’re talking four on the floor, lights on, shoes off doin’ it.”

One of the new takes is “Santa Claus Is Coming too Fast.” Another features an Elf on the Shelf that likes to watch you having sex.

And don’t worry: In “A Threesome for Christmas,” the “women don’t kiss,” we’re promised.

Phew. Otherwise it might be inappropriate.

“Time to get your sugarplums off and your nuts cracked,” the V.O. says.

Watch the video above.

Merry Christmas everyone. Read about the actual Hallmark Channel nonsense here. And then they came to their senses and realized it’s 2019.