And, for her next trick… Hillary Clinton will use thousands of handheld placards to perform a complicated card trick that will turn the Democratic Convention into a “unified patriotic picture.”
Almost every seat at the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia has a bag taped to it with a colorful card inside. When held together, they will create a picture of something that — Clinton’s team hopes — will look very cool on television.
Though we’re writing this from inside the arena, we don’t know what exactly the picture will be, because we’re obeying the instructions on our card:
THIS IS YOUR CARD TO CREATE A CARD STUNT AT THE END OF TONIGHT’S SESSION. PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE OR OPEN THIS BAG UNTIL INSTRUCTED.
"Some of you know me from The Hunger Games, in which I play Effie Trinket — a cruel, out-of-touch reality TV star who wears insane wigs while delivering long-winded speeches to a violent dystopia. So when I tuned into Cleveland last week, I was like, 'Hey, that's my act.'"
"This Democratic primary was exemplary. No name calling, no comments about the size of candidates' hands or ethnicity or how much they sweat or if they go to the bathroom. Inside secret: they do. That stuff is for third graders ... major arrested development stuff. That's 'I'm still emotionally 4 and calling people names from my gold-encrusted sandbox because I was given money instead of human touch or coping tools' stuff. But I digress."
Dunham: “We know what you’re all thinking: Why should you care what some television celebrity has to say about politics?”
Ferrera: “And we feel the same way. But he is the Republican nominee, so we need to talk about him.”
Vice presidential nominee Sen. Tim Kaine
"He says, 'Believe me.' Well, his creditors, his contractors, his laid-off employees, and his ripped-off students did just that, and they all got hurt. Folks, you cannot believe one word that comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth."
Retired Adm. John Hutson
"More than 120 Republicans, national security leaders -- Republican national security leaders -- recently warned that Donald Trump would, in their words, 'make America less safe.' He even mocked POWs like John McCain. I served in the same Navy as John McCain. I used to vote in the same party as John McCain. Donald, you are not fit to polish John McCain’s boots."
President Barack Obama
"Anyone who threatens our values, whether fascists or communists or jihadists or homegrown demagogues, will always fail in the end."