And, for her next trick… Hillary Clinton will use thousands of handheld placards to perform a complicated card trick that will turn the Democratic Convention into a “unified patriotic picture.”
Almost every seat at the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia has a bag taped to it with a colorful card inside. When held together, they will create a picture of something that — Clinton’s team hopes — will look very cool on television.
Though we’re writing this from inside the arena, we don’t know what exactly the picture will be, because we’re obeying the instructions on our card:
THIS IS YOUR CARD TO CREATE A CARD STUNT AT THE END OF TONIGHT’S SESSION. PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE OR OPEN THIS BAG UNTIL INSTRUCTED.
An announcement played over the arena speakers said that at the designated time, people in the audience should hold the cards up to their faces and “look through the cutout.”
“We promise you will not miss the balloon drop,” the announcer said. Together, the cards will form a patriotic image “throughout the arena,” she explained.
Section leaders will tell the audience when to act.
Attaching cards to seats with surprises for the audience sounds like something borrowed from Oprah Winfrey‘s bag of tricks. Are we in for a “You get a car, you get a car, you get a car” moment?
Sadly, journalistic ethics will probably keep us from accepting a sweet new whip … or even joining in the card trick.
9 Sickest Donald Trump Burns at the Democratic Convention
Democrats at their national convention want to tell Americans that whatever they think of Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump is worse. They're doing it with a barrage of sick burns. Here are the best.
"Some of you know me from The Hunger Games, in which I play Effie Trinket — a cruel, out-of-touch reality TV star who wears insane wigs while delivering long-winded speeches to a violent dystopia. So when I tuned into Cleveland last week, I was like, 'Hey, that's my act.'"
"This Democratic primary was exemplary. No name calling, no comments about the size of candidates' hands or ethnicity or how much they sweat or if they go to the bathroom. Inside secret: they do. That stuff is for third graders ... major arrested development stuff. That's 'I'm still emotionally 4 and calling people names from my gold-encrusted sandbox because I was given money instead of human touch or coping tools' stuff. But I digress."
"Sure, he's scammed a lot of people. But did you know that Trump University's School of Ripping People Off is ranked second in the nation? Right behind Bernie Madoff University."
"I've built a business and I didn't start it with a million-dollar check from my father ... I'm a New Yorker, and New Yorkers know a con when we see one."
Vice President Joe Biden
"He’s trying to tell us he cares about the middle class -- give me a break. That’s a bunch of malarkey ... The guy doesn't have a clue about the middle class, not a clue."
Dunham: “We know what you’re all thinking: Why should you care what some television celebrity has to say about politics?”
Ferrera: “And we feel the same way. But he is the Republican nominee, so we need to talk about him.”
Vice presidential nominee Sen. Tim Kaine
"He says, 'Believe me.' Well, his creditors, his contractors, his laid-off employees, and his ripped-off students did just that, and they all got hurt. Folks, you cannot believe one word that comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth."
Retired Adm. John Hutson
"More than 120 Republicans, national security leaders -- Republican national security leaders -- recently warned that Donald Trump would, in their words, 'make America less safe.' He even mocked POWs like John McCain. I served in the same Navy as John McCain. I used to vote in the same party as John McCain. Donald, you are not fit to polish John McCain’s boots."
President Barack Obama
"Anyone who threatens our values, whether fascists or communists or jihadists or homegrown demagogues, will always fail in the end."
Dems call Trump a con man demagogue who may be wearing wigs
Democrats at their national convention want to tell Americans that whatever they think of Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump is worse. They're doing it with a barrage of sick burns. Here are the best.
