Jimmy Kimmel Unveils New United Slogan: ‘F— You’

“Such sanitized, say-nothing, take-no-responsibility, corporate B.S. speak,” Kimmel said about the airline’s response to public outcry

Last Updated: April 12, 2017 @ 8:17 AM

Jimmy Kimmel spent most of his monologue Monday on United Airlines’ PR head wound, and helpfully suggested a new slogan for the company: “F— you.”

The “Jimmy Kimmel Live” host blasted the company for having Chicago aviation police drag a passenger from an overbooked plane — but also asked why flights are overbooked in the first place.

He also laid into United CEO Oscar Munoz for the tepid statement he released Monday. Munoz was roundly mocked for using the euphemism “re-accommodate” to describe forcing paying customers to give up their seats.

The monologue ended with a fake commercial for United in which the company brags about its customer service in light of the scandal.

Made to look like the pre-flight videos shown to passengers, a flight attendant lays down the law. “We’re United Airlines,” she says. “You do what we say when we say, and there won’t be a problem. If we say you fly, you fly. If not, tough s—. Give us a problem, and we’ll drag your ass off the plane. And if you do this, we’ll beat you so badly you’ll be using your own face as a flotation device.”

The clip ended with the airline’s new slogan: “United Airlines: f— you.”

Some other highlights from Kimmel’s bit:

-About the airline’s inability to convince people to give up their seat for $800: “[B]y the way, they almost certainly could have gotten volunteers by offering more money. Maybe $1,000. Maybe $5,000. Why not $100,000? Who cares? It’s not the passenger’s fault that you sold too many tickets on your plane.”

-About Munoz’s unusual jargon, “re-accommodate”: “It’s like how we ‘re-accommodated’ El Chapo out of Mexico. That is such sanitized, say-nothing, take-no-responsibility, corporate B.S. speak. I don’t know how the guy who sent that tweet didn’t vomit when he typed it out.”

-On what would happen if another business, like a restaurant, tried the same nonsense: “You wouldn’t eat there again… [but] the next time we book a flight, it doesn’t matter if it’s United or Delta or American, if one of those flights is a dollar less than the other one, that’s the one we’ll pick. They know this. That’s why we’re stuck with them.”

Watch the video here.

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