The monologue jokes on Late Night Crisis 2010 are rolling in. Here’s a round-up for Thursday (check back for updates as he quips arrive in our e-mailbox:
The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien
Hi, I’m Conan O’Brien, NBC’s “Employee of the Month.”
There’s a rumor that NBC is so upset with me, they want to keep me off the air for 3 years. My response to that is, if NBC doesn’t want people to see me, just leave me on NBC.
Time sure does fly. Do you realize that a baby born on the day we did our first “Tonight Show” is now a slightly larger baby?
This is absolutely true—I received a letter from the adult film company “Pink Visual” offering me a role in one of their porno movies. In the movie I’d be having sex with a beautiful woman and just as we’re about to climax I get replaced by Jay Leno.
No matter what happens, it’s been a real honor to sit in the same chair as Steve Allen, Jack Paar, Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, and Jay Leno.
Late Show with David Letterman
“Let me ask you a question: do you folks know what’s going on with NBC and the trouble they’re having with Jay Leno and Conan O’ Brien. Are you aware? You heard about that? Are you getting tired of hearing about it? Me neither.”
“Listen to this, I just heard this on my way out here: earlier today, NBC announced that they were putting the NBC peacock on the endangered species list.”
“And I thought this was nice: President Obama invited Jay and Conan to the White House for a beer.”
“Now, see, I think what a lot of people are losing focus of is the fact that if Jay Leno goes back to 11:30 and Conan goes back to 12:05, that leaves a gaping hole in the NBC primetime lineup Monday through Friday. They’ll have nothing to put on from 10 to 11 primetime on NBC. So the NBC executives – and by God, what a braintrust, that’s all you need to know – they’re scrambling. They’re trying to get programming, and so, far, they’ve got next week covered. Next week, it will be security cam footage of mini-mart holdups, and then the following week, it’ll be home movies of a bear trying to climb into a hammock, so we’re covered for the first two weeks, don’t worry about it.”
“Our good friend Ricky Gervais will be hosting the Golden Globes, if Jay lets him.”
“Let me define a couple of terms for you: bypass surgery is when doctors, surgeons restore blood flow to your heart. A bypass, a bypass is what’s happening to Conan O’Brien.”
The Jay Leno Show
WELCOME TO THE NEW SHOW “I’M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OFF NBC!”
IN OTHER TV NEWS, SARAH PALIN HAS SIGNED WITH FOX NEWS TO BE A CORRESPONDENT. FOX SAYS IF SHE DOES A GOOD JOB, THEY’LL SIGN HER TO A LONG-TERM CONTRACT. AND IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT, THEY’LL JUST BLAME LENO.
WITH THE ALL THE CONTROVERSY GOING ON HERE AT NBC, ACTUALLY, THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O’BRIEN’S RATINGS HAVE GONE UP. SO YOU’RE WELCOME.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Here’s video of JK on Leno’s 10 @ 10 segment, which also aired on "The Jay Leno Show."