Madonna’s Twerking Video Makes Piers Morgan ‘Physically Sick’

... or art world celebrity sightings like Damien Hirst...

... or some well-dressed characters that walked off the page of a Woody Allen script... (that's artsy hotelier Alan Faena on the right)...

... or maybe a scattering of Hollywood A-listers schmoozing with the captains of the modern art world, like Owen Wilson here with Koons, Eli Broad and Takashi Murakami.

Instead, Art Basel is a lot of this: Bethenny Frankel with a clown...

Tyson Beckford and Wilmer Valderrama sharing a smoke at an "INC Holiday Menswear" celebration on Saturday night...

Cool consumer activations aimed at the well-dressed socialite set, like this Samsung Gear 360 selfie booth...

And this guy. In addition to taking over the Grammys, James Corden hosted Madonna's glitzy fundraiser on Friday night. It continued the music icon's streak of one-upping other tentpoles with her own party that steals the thunder. (See also: Her Oscar night bashes that drain the Vanity Fair party).

Also Read: Madonna Tells Sean Penn ‘I’m Still In Love With You’ (Video)

From Chris Rock and Courtney Love supporting Madonna's "Evening of Music, Art, Mischief and Performance to benefit Raising Malawi" (which netted over $7 million)...

...to Sean Penn (who may or may not be responsible for that cigarette in the glassware)...

...the Party Report picks apart celebrities' tenuous connections to art week in South Beach.

Let's start with Diddy (left), who was palling with Chris Rock. Diddy's a part-time Miami local and has his hands in everything, including Forbes' highest paid celebrity list. He's in his element here at Madonna's bash.

SUBJECT: Michael Chow (of "Mr. Chow" restaurant fame.)

CONNECTION: "Michael paints day and night, and I mean day and night obsessively," wife Eva Chow told the New York Times' Brooks Barnes last year. His nom de paintbrush is Zhou Yinghua, his chinese name.

VERDICT: Not random.  A museum director led a Q&A with him at an IVY Artist Chat this week. 

SUBJECTS: Emily Ratajkowski and Rosario Dawson.

CONNECTION to Art Basel: For Rosario, speaking at game publisher Take-Two Interactive's mashup of the art, gaming and entertainment communities. For Emily, we're not sure.

RANDOMNESS: High, but not quite "Jennifer Aniston on SNL" random.

SUBJECTS: Boxer Wladimir Klitschko and Hayden Panettiere.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE? According to the Daily Mail, putting on a "loved up display" to dispel breakup rumors. The big-and-little pair hit the hot party on the front of the week (see what I did there?), the Daily Front Row's bash at the Faena Art Dome.

DECISION: The couple rarely goes to things like this. Winner by TKO... Random!

SUBJECTS: Sarah Jessica Parker and not-Matthew Broderick. 

CONNECTION: SJP hit this blizzard of champagne called L'Eden by Perrier-Jouët.

VERDICT: Hanging out with Simon Hammerstein (pictured above), who created London's artsy-nightlife experience The Box, makes this a neat fit. SJP, your Art Basel passport is stamped. 

"I proudly raise my glass and toast the team who put together this entertaining and colorful evening," SJP told the crowd at Casa Faena.

SUBJECT: Katie Holmes

CONNECTION: Unclear. She hit the same party as Sarah Jessica Parker.

VERDICT: It's been over 80 degrees in Miami this weekend. At night, it's down to 47 in L.A. In light of the bygone TomKat era, Holmes' randomness should be graded on a curve.

SUBJECT: Brittny Gastineau (center), who was a reality TV pioneer while her pal Kim Kardashian was still best known as a celebrity closet organizer.

CONNECTION: Gastineau hosted a show for artist Domingo Zapata (left) at EAST, Miami, a boutique hotel on Brickell.

VERDICT: On-brand for the sizzle over substance nature of Art Basel.

SUBJECT: Miami Dolphin Jay Ajayi (center).

CONNECTION: More relevant than his local address, Ajayi's celebrity imprint derives from his astonishing ascent from NFL no-name to playoff deal-breaker in countless NFL fantasy football leagues. Mr. Brainwash invited the running back to his dinner at DOA.

VERDICT: Random.

SUBJECT: Rapper Fat Joe (left), at a TAG Heuer watch event, with artist Alec Monopoly (center)

CONNECTION: Known best as the leader of the "Terror Squad" rap collective and his hit "Lean Back," Joe has been a Miami local for the past 15 years.

VERDICT: Less random because artist Monopoly's paint assaulted Joe's jacket.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST: Ms. Hilton.

CONNECTION: C'mon! She invented Miami's celebrity appearance industry. Here, she prepared to DJ a party at Wall Miami, one of the hot nightclubs.

RANDOMNESS and/or RELEVANCE VERDICT: You be the judge.