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Monologue Watch: The Late Night Follies (updated)

The late night funnymen can’t stop joking about their new favorite topic: each other.

Tonight’s late show monologues are coming in, and once again, the hosts are joking about Late Night Crisis 2010.

We’ll update this post with the latest quips as they come in. 

The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien

Hi, I’m Conan O’Brien, and I’ve been practicing the phrase, “Who ordered the mochaccino grande?”

Hosting “The Tonight Show” has been the fulfillment of a lifelong dream for me – and I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.

According to a new TV Guide poll, 83 percent of voters want me to stay at 11:35. When he heard this poll number, President Obama asked, “How can I get NBC to screw me over?”

I’m getting a lot of support out there, especially from an online group calling themselves “Team Conan.” It’s very exciting—it’s the first time in my life I’ve been on a team where I wasn’t picked last.

Last night, the new season of “American Idol” started on the FOX Network and it was watched by an audience of 30 million people. When they heard that, NBC executives said “That’s not true, there’s no such thing as an audience of 30 million people.”
 

The Jay Leno Show

GOOD NEWS FROM AFGHANISTAN — CRITICS OF THE WAR HAVE STOPPED REFERRING TO IT AS "ANOTHER VIETNAM." THEY ARE NOT CALLING IT THAT ANYMORE. THE BAD NEWS — THEY’RE NOW CALLING IT "ANOTHER NBC."

WELCOME TO NBC. AMERICA’S MOST DYSFUNCTIONAL TV FAMILY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU THOUGHT THE GOSSELINS WERE SCREWED UP. OH MY GOD.

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON. CONAN O’BRIEN, UNDERSTANDABLE, IS VERY UPSET. HE HAD A STATEMENT IN THE PAPER YESTERDAY. CONAN SAID NBC HAS ONLY GAVE HIM SEVEN MONTHS TO MAKE HIS SHOW WORK. WHEN I HEARD THAT…SEVEN MONTHS! HOW DID HE GET THAT DEAL? WE ONLY GOT FOUR! WHO’S HIS AGENT? GET ME THAT GUY. I’LL TAKE SEVEN.

ALL THE LATE NIGHT HOST ARE HAVING GREAT FUN WITH THIS DEBACLE. LAST NIGHT JIMMY KIMMEL DID HIS SHOW DRESSED UP AS ME. SHOW THAT CLIP. (DROP-IN: JIMMY KIMMEL CLIP) I WAS GOING TO COME OUT DRESSED AS JIMMY KIMMEL…PUT JIMMY’S PICTURE UP THERE. BUT I REALIZED I DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH BLACK SHOE POLISH HERE AT NBC TO GET MY HAIR THAT DARK.  

Late Show with David Letterman

“Okay, all right settle down, CBS hasn’t fired me yet.”

“Cold outside, isn’t it lousy cold outside today? Whoo! You know, they say, from the weather bureau, they say it’s caused by an arctic chill between Jay and Conan.”

“Did you hear about this? Yesterday, Conan O’Brien – it’s so, so confusing, ladies and gentlemen. And Jay Leno used to be on at 11:30, then they moved him to 10, then Conan O’Brien was on at 11:30, now they want him to go on at 12:05 and then they want to put Jay from 10 to 11:30, and Carson Daly now’s got to get a show in Mexico or something. He don’t know what to do…It’ll make you dizzy. So Conan O’Brien says yesterday, ‘Well, I’m not doing the ‘Tonight Show’ at 12:05,’ and you think about it, well, he’s right. ‘The Tonight Show,’ that would, you know, that’s the next day. It’s not really – it’s like ‘The Day After’ or, what it used to be, ‘The Tomorrow Show. So he said, ‘Forget it, I’m not doing the show at 12:05. Well, NBC went back to him, and they decided to sweeten the deal – they offered him 12:04.”

“And now, the buzz is that Conan may leave NBC to start a show of his own at another network, and I thought, ‘Where’d he get an idea like that?’”

“And the whole idea of this was NBC wanted to get a thing going whereby they wouldn’t make the same mistake they made when Johnny quit and retired, that there were a lot of bad feelings. They wanted to avoid causing more bad feelings – well, mission accomplished.”

“I miss Johnny Carson – I mean, by God, when Johhny quit, he quit.”

“And my mom, bless her heart, she’s so confused – last night, she actually watched me.”

“Oh, now this was good: last night on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel did the entire show as Jay Leno…Jimmy Kimmel was so convincing as Leno, today, NBC canceled him.”

“I want to tell you something, I have not been this entertained by NBC since balloon boy threw up on the ‘Today’ show.”

“But now this thing is so complicated – now that the Jay Leno Show – he was doing a variety show in primetime, and now that that’s gone, NBC has to scramble now to fill five hours of primetime programming. And, you know, they’re up against it – first week, I’ll give you an example of what they’re going to do – first week, YouTube cat videos, five hours, across the board.”