The NBC “Parks and Recreation” star taped his “American Ham” Netflix special back in March at the Town Hall in New York City, when he offered the audience 10 tips for prosperity via vignettes — which included appearances by wife Megan Mullally — as well as stories and original songs. One of the latter, the “Hanky Song,” is particularly humorous and abundantly crass.
In the tune, Offerman sings about all of the uses for a handkerchief, something that his father instilled in a young Ron Swanson was what gentlemen carry. It’s not all gentlemanly activities though, of course.
“Hanky’s can make you seem polite/or wipe ejaculate from your chin,” Offerman sings. “Or when you break and enter, erase the prints from where you’ve been.”
Per another lyric: “For wiping your tears when you wish you could still get hard after all of that wine, and when you run out of toilet tissue, a hanky will do just fine.”
And of course there is this one, which gets right to the point of the perma-tissue: “When you have to suck a dick, it’s a cushion for your knees.”
Outstanding Performance Male Actor – TV Movie or Miniseries: Adrien Brody, "Houdini"; Benedict Cumberbatch (pictured), "Sherlock: His Last Vow"; Richard Jenkins, "Olive Kitteridge"; Mark Ruffalo, "The Normal Heart,"; Billy Bob Thornton, "Fargo"
Outstanding Performance Female Actor – TV Movie or Miniseries: Ellen Burstyn, "Flowers in the Attic"; Maggie Gyllenhaal, "The Honorable Woman"; Frances McDormand, "Olive Kitteridge"; Julia Roberts (pictured), "The Normal Heart"; Cicely Tyson, "The Trip to Bountiful"
Outstanding Performance Male Actor – Comedy Series (TV): Ty Burrell, "Modern Family"; Louis C.K. (pictured), "Louis"; William H. Macy, "Shameless"; Jim Parsons, "The Big Bang Theory"; Eric Stonestreet, "Modern Family"
Outstanding Performance Female Actor – Comedy Series (TV): Uzo Aduba, "Orange Is the New Black"; Julie Bowen, "Modern Family"; Edie Falco, "Nurse Jackie"; Julia Louis-Dreyfus, "Veep"; Amy Poehler (pictured), "Parks and Recreation"
Ensemble Comedy Series – TV: "The Big Bang Theory," "Brooklyn Nine-Nine," "Modern Family," "Orange Is the New Black" (pictured), "VEEP"
Female Actor – Drama Series, TV: Claire Danes, "Homeland"; Viola Davis (pictured), "How to Get Away with Murder"; Julianna Margulies, "The Good Wife"; Tatiana Maslany, "Orphan Black"; Maggie Smith, "Downton Abbey"; Robin Wright, "House of Cards"
Male Actor – Drama Series, TV: Steve Buscemi, "Boardwalk Empire"; Peter Dinklage, "Game of Thrones"; Woody Harrelson, "True Detective"; Matthew McConaughey (pictured), "True Detective"; Kevin Spacey, "House of Cards"
Ensemble – Drama Series, TV: "Boardwalk Empire," "Downton Abbey," "Game of Thrones" (pictured), "Homeland," “House of Cards”
Male Actor, Supporting Role – Film: Robert Duvall, "The Judge";Ethan Hawke, "Boyhood"; Edward Norton, "Birdman"; Mark Ruffalo, "Foxcatcher"; J.K. Simmons (pictured), "Whiplash"
Female Actor, Supporting Role – Film: Patricia Arquette, "Boyhood"; Keira Knightley, "The Immitation Game"; Emma Stone (pictured), "Birdman"; Meryl Streep, "Into the Woods"; Naomi Watts, "St. Vincent"
Male Actor, Leading Role – Film: Steve Carell (pictured), "Foxcatcher"; Benedict Cumberbatch, "The Immitation Game"; Jake Gyllenhaal, "Nightcrawler"; Michael Keaton, "Birdman"; Eddie Redmayne, "The Theory of Everything"
Female Actor, Leading Role – Film: Jennifer Aniston (pictured), "Cake"; Felicity Jones, "The Theory of Everything"; Julianne Moore, "Still Alice"; Rosamund Pike, "Gone Girl"; Reese Witherspoon, "Wild"
Cast – Film: “Birdman," “Boyhood" (pictured), “The Grand Budapest Hotel," "The Imitation Game," "The Theory of Everything"
Outstanding Action Performance by a Stunt Ensemble in a Comedy or Drama Series: "24: Live Another Day," "Boardwalk Empire," "Game of Thrones," "Homeland," "Sons of Anarchy," "The Walking Dead" (pictured)
Outstanding Action Performance by a Stunt Ensemble in a Motion Picture "Fury" (pictured), "Get On Up," "The Hobbit: The Battles of the Five Armies," "Unbroken," "X-Men: Days of Future Past"
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The nominees for the 21st annual Screen Actors Guild Awards were announced Wednesday morning on TBS by Eva Longoria and Ansel Elgort
Outstanding Performance Male Actor – TV Movie or Miniseries: Adrien Brody, "Houdini"; Benedict Cumberbatch (pictured), "Sherlock: His Last Vow"; Richard Jenkins, "Olive Kitteridge"; Mark Ruffalo, "The Normal Heart,"; Billy Bob Thornton, "Fargo"
