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No, DON’T ‘Watch What Happens’

A new Bravo gabfest is mostly Bravo celebs talking about the week on Bravo.

Picture this:  It’s been a long evening filled with reality twists and turns — Tribe Foa Foa finally wins its first immunity challenge on “Survivor” and models are sent going down the “Runway” in ensembles that cause Heidi & Co. to use phrases such as “pirate wench” and “Oktoberfest.”   

Need I even mention the promo video for the “She by Sheree” fashion line on “The Real Housewives of Atlanta"?

I feel that I must.
Envision a windswept Sheree winking and “smizing” (now in the Urban Dictionary!) at the camera as models say things like, “She is (insert lame adjective here).”  Now imagine them saying these things in Russian and German because, of course, She by Sheree is “international.”

Whew! Despite the fact that there are no two-hour dance competition shows, Thursday nights can be quite exhausting! You may want to relax yourself with a glass of wine or the latest teen vampire book.  

I have a better idea — one that should put you right to sleep. Why not try tuning into Bravo’s “Watch What Happens” show with Andy Cohen? It proves two things: that some shows don’t really fill a niche and that not everyone can be a talk show host.

This snoozefest involves Andy Cohen drinking martinis and gabbing with celebrity guests (and by “celebrity,” I mean mainly people from Bravo). They gossip about the latest happenings on all the Bravo shows and also reference pop culture news. It’s kind of like “The Soup” or “Best Week Ever” … except lame. (I have to say, though, that the placenta teddy bear and American Girl homeless doll were must-know news items that I had somehow missed!)

Here’s a comparison I know you can understand. “Watch What Happens” is to Bravo what the results shows are to “Idol” — a whole lotta filler. They know that you just finished watching “The Real Housewives of Wherever.”  Instead of clicking over to Lifetime to watch the second airing of “Project Runway,” maybe you’ll stick around to hear Jenni from “Flipping Out” perform a rap or hear “Tardy for the Party” yet again. (I downloaded it on iTunes and you can, too!)

While I’m sure that Andy Cohen is lovely in person, his energy just doesn’t seem to translate in this format. It never worked earlier, either, when he hosted various Bravo reality reunion shows, though “Watch What Happens” lacks the creepy sycophantic vibe of those specials.  

Cohen is clearly very accomplished, having brought us such favorites as “Flipping Out “ and the “Housewives” franchise. He has also served as an executive producer on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” and “Project Runway,” but that doesn’t make him the next Tyra (who, you can’t deny, has the X-factor).

Who thought he’d be charismatic enough to carry his own gabfest? Apparently it was Bravo’s Vice President of Programming, who, by the way, just happens to be Andy himself.  

Mystery solved.