A frequent side effect of the coronavirus pandemic shutdown are stories of people who absolutely humiliate themselves in excruciating ways during Zoom calls. And on Monday’s “The Daily Show,” Roy Wood Jr. experienced the biggest humiliation possible in a gag inspired by the rise in digital-only worship services.
The bit came during a lengthy discussion of online-only services, a necessity in the era of social distancing since churches are a huge risk vector for spreading the coronavirus. “But please, remember this,” host Trevor Noah said at the end, “if you’re gonna try and do your confessions over Zoom, you really wanna make sure you’re careful.”
That’s when the screen switched to correspondent Roy Wood Jr., who seemed to be kneeling as if he were in a confessional booth, but via Zoom.
“Bless me father, for I have sinned. This quarantine messing me up so bad, I’ve been having fantasies about shaking people’s hands. Total strangers, I just wanna rub their hands, it’s so hot!” Wood said.
“Last night I couldn’t sleep, I stress-ate my entire family’s supply of canned tuna. Not even the good tuna with the oil, that dry-ass tuna with the water. It’s like eating flaky cotton balls,” Wood continued. “Also, I told everyone on Instagram that I baked my own banana bread, but it’s not true. I stole pictures from Chrissy Teigen and posted them on my account.”
Then Wood confessed that he’s “watching so much porn, Father, so much porn. All the gang bangs, all the orgies. Not even masturbating, I just miss seeing people in large groups. It’s been so long, God forgive me!”
At that point the scene pulled back to reveal that Wood was on a Zoom call with all of his fellow “The Daily Show” correspondents. Whoops.
Watch the clip above. Roy Wood Jr. comes in about nine minutes in.