On Tuesday’s “The Daily Show,” Roy Wood Jr. showed up to explain the latest harrowing ins and outs of the scary international crisis between the United States and Iran — but he was so freaked out about it that he admitted he was close to incontinence.
Or, as he put it when he showed up wearing a safety helmet and an orange vest, “there’s a 73% chance Imma s— myself.”
Wood came on after Trevor Noah broke down a chilling moment earlier today when Iran’s foreign minister said in an interview that it will retaliate for the death of general Qassem Soleimani, who was assassinated by a U.S. drone strike on Donald Trump’s orders last week. The minister said that Iran is “a patient country,” and that retaliation “will be taken at a time of our choosing, not the United States’ choosing.”
“This s— is scary,” Wood said about that statement. “Usually when you get a threat from the Middle East, it’s some dude screaming in a cave. But this guy was calm. Like an Iranian John Wick. Like we killed his puppy and now he’s coming for us.”
Noah then asked what Wood thinks Iran will do. “It’s obvious, Trevor. We threaten their cultural sites, so now they’re going to attack our cultural sites.”
But Wood wasn’t talking about, per Noah’s suggestion, the Washington Monument or Mt. Rushmore, which Wood dismissed as “just rocks and s—.”
“I’m talking about our actual culture. The Netflix service, the Popeye’s chicken sandwich, or killing America’s greatest storyteller, Stan Lee,” Wood said.
Noah of course pointed out that Lee is already dead.
“Those bastards! It’s already begun,” Wood exclaimed.
After a discussion about how paranoid the whole “Iran is a patient country” thing is making him, Wood had a suggestion for how Iran could really get revenge on Trump, and it was delightfully nonviolent. “Tell him he’s invited to a party full of supermodels, then when he gets there, bam! Eric’s birthday party.”
Watch the clip above.