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The Seven Steps of a Celebrity Pregnancy

It’s hard to compete with a Hermes Birkin, but it looks like babies are fast becoming Hollywood’s must-have celebrity accessory; here’s how the progression usually goes

Like a backwoods high school, Hollywood’s currently going through a baby craze of pandemic proportions. 

It’s hard to compete with a Hermes Birkin, but it looks like babies are fast becoming the must-have celebrity accessory. 

In a town that loves instant gratification, nine months is a long time to wait for a premiere, but there’s a lot of mileage to be gained getting knocked up.

Here are the seven steps to joining the New Hollywood Parenting Elite™:

Step 1- The Denial: Everyone is entitled to skip a workout once in awhile or eat that extra sushi roll.  While the tabloids and mysterious “sources” will rush to confirm your pregnancy, you will go out to dinner in a very tight dress and make sure to be photographed drinking.  Then you will start an aggressive juice fast.

Step 2 – The Semi-Denial: But what if it’s true and you’re on your way to joining the New Hollywood Parenting Elite™ … but it’s too early in the process to start promoting your newest venture? 

Now it is the time to dust off that acting ability. Demure red carpet responses about wanting children “someday” are de rigeuer but make sure to also be photographed leaving medical buildings in Beverly Hills with a large bag blocking your nearly non-existant belly.

Step 3 – The Confirmation: Maybe you’ve been known to swing around a pole or state that monogamy is for suckers. All of that’s behind you once your publicist releases a statement confirming that you and your boyfriend/husband/life partner are “over the moon” about the arrival of your future star. 

You may have just been about to break up or in the throes of a career crisis — well, crisis averted. 

You now have months of guaranteed undivided media attention. Be sure to pose sweetly with both your hands resting on the child that will revitalize your relationship career Q Score … oh, screw it, everyone loves babies, don’t they?

Step 4 – The Pregnancy, Part I: You will be glowing and fit throughout the next few months. No sagging, vomiting or cravings for you. It’s all about yoga on the beach, smoothies and gentle massage.  You not only denounce your former hedonistic lifestyle, you develop complete amnesia as do the tabloids.

Step 5 – The Pregnancy, Part II: The last few weeks are all about locking down endorsements. Since this child will be a rebirth of your image, every detail surrounding its birth must be endlessly chronicled and detailed. The big reveal is of course the sex of the baby, which no matter what it is, is exactly what you wanted. Bonus points for twins, points subtracted for secret surrogacy.

Step 6 – The Birth: You leave this moment, when you’re looking less than red-carpet ready, as private as an event that involves your entire management team can be. You release a statement, allowing the world to release its collective breath, affirming that mother and child (much like Mary and Jesus) are resting comfortably. You hold back the name as long as possible.

Step 7 – The Magazine Cover: You have finally emerged as one of the New Hollywood Parenting Elite™ and are posed on the cover, in white, cuddling your newest accessory.  The baby, whose name is unique but not trendy, is already a natural when it comes to highlighting its best side.

The birth is always described as natural and peaceful.  You talk winningly about the sacrifices you’re willing to make for this precious little being while fielding calls from weight loss programs about spokesperson opportunities.  Mazel Tov!  It really is a brand new life.

Mali Perl lives on the East Coast but her mind is always on Hollywood time. She enjoys A-listers, G6 travel, VIP treatment, Us Weekly and having a security detail. Her pet peeves include actors with two first names, waiting in lines, "just being nominated" and unflattering videos on TMZ.

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