Weekend Update on “SNL” had plenty of Donald Trump headlines for its season finale, even bringing up that earlier on Saturday the president tweeted about first lady Melania, misspelling her name “Melanie.”
The segment kicked off with Weekend Update co-host Colin Jost noting that Thursday marked the one-year anniversary of the investigation by special counsel Robert Mueller into the Russian interference in 2016 elections.
Co-host Michael Che referenced Trump’s sarcastic tweet about the investigation, in which he called Mueller’s probe “the greatest witch hunt in American history,” then joked that, actually, the witch hunt is pretty great from his point of view.
You’ll find the transcript of the segment below, and you can watch it in the video embedded at that top of this post.
Jost: “Well, Thursday marked the one-year anniversary of the start of Robert Mueller’s investigation, which is the first anniversary Trump actually remembered. Just ask his wife Melanie.”
Referencing the recent “Laurel/Yanny” meme, Jost talked about the way the Mueller investigation comes off to people who either dislike or support Trump.
Jost: “I think with the Russia investigation, ultimately, what you think depends on what you think of Trump. Some people hear ‘laurel’ while idiots hear ‘yanny.’ And that’s how it was with the Russia investigation. If you like Trump, this is what you hear: ‘It’s a witch hunt. There was no collusion.’ But if you don’t like Trump, this is what you hear: ‘I’m getting away with it, bitches.’ “
Che: “President Trump posted a sarcastic message on the anniversary of the Mueller probe, saying ‘Congratulations, America. We are now in the second year of the greatest witch hunt in American history.’ And you know what? It is pretty great. Personally, I like how unfair and mean-spirited it is. It’s not every day a black man can root for the feds, but I’m really enjoying this. I feel like I’m watching Rachel Dolezal get kicked out of a Starbucks. I’m for that.
“Rudy Giuliani claimed his legal team was told off the record of an informant in the Trump campaign, which is hilarious because he’s like a rapper who sings about the people he shot, gets locked up for it and says, ‘Yo, somebody’s snitching.’ “
Jost: “It was reported President Trump talked to Sean Hannity almost every night before bed. I never thought I would say this, but poor Sean Hannity. Can you imagine a worse voice to hear before you go to sleep? Just heavy breathing mixed with the crinkling of cheeseburger wrappers. And was that a flush? Also, Sean Hannity is a journalist. Imagine [if] Obama was calling Anderson Cooper every night before he went to bed. Anderson can. I just think Hannity loses a lot of integrity as a journalist if he ends his night saying, ‘No, Mr. President, you hang up.’ “
Che: “North Korea issued a statement condemning national security adviser John Bolton, saying they do not hide their feelings of repugnance toward him — which I get. Look at him. He looks like he still calls jazz jungle music.
“Trump promised protection for Kim Jong-Un if he makes a deal during their meetings but warned that if talks fall apart, he would decimate them. You know, real Nobel Peace Prize stuff. Reminds me of Martin Luther King’s speech: ‘Dream or nightmare, take your pick.’ “
Jost: “New footage was released of Bill Gates talking about a meeting with President Trump in which Trump asked him if HPV and HIV were the same thing, adding, ‘And which is the one that shows Property Brothers?’ And for real, Trump asked this of Bill Gates on two separate occasions. So you know homey got HPV.”
Che: “Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump attended the ribbon cutting ceremony of the new U.S. embassy in Jerusalem, or as they call a ribbon-cutting ceremony in Israel, a bris.”