If you don’t have time to catch up on the “Star Wars” saga before seeing “The Force Awakens,” some drunk woman on Facebook has you covered.
DJ Mark Zabala turned a camera on his girlfriend recapping the entire plot (or at least what she thinks it is) after she downed a few glasses of wine, and her intoxicated rambling is almost as entertaining as J.J. Abrams‘ new addition to the franchise.
Even though Maggie K. has never actually watched any of the “Star Wars” movies, she believes she has seen enough of the promos, commercials and merchandising to be an authority on the subject.
According to Maggie, in a galaxy far, far away, there was once a character, played by Richard Gere (who also starred in “The Fugitive”) and his name is Lucas. His soul purpose is to save the princess, who is very pretty.
Somehow in the storyline, she “gets captive” by the dark evil forces and becomes enslaved. Lucas then comes running after her with his storm troopers, which are guys in white costumes that are not quite the KKK.
The strom troopers save the princess, and that’s when you find out that Darth Vader is actually human. Even more shocking, according to drunk Maggie, is the fact that Vader is Lucas’ father (spoiler alert: by our calculation this means Lucas and Luke are at least half-brothers).
Apparently Lucas, doesn’t know how to process this, so they end up fighting with Life-Savers… which means not only did they have sweet breath during the big fight, their tongues must have been all kinds of crazy colors.
To try and save the galaxy, Richard Gere then goes to Chiwawa, a furry creature who is really the pet of these other characters. Chiwawa instructs Lucas to fight for his rights and peace, while still respecting his elders.
Lucas apparently is confused by all this, so he seeks guidance from that little small tiny green guy named Chupacabra, who was obviously Buddha during another time.
What’s important to remember is that Princess Leia is the ruler of some of the galaxy and because she wears white, she must be pure.
But no worries, Jedi warriors, it all ends well. Lucas runs over and saves the princess and tells Darth Vader, “No!”