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A Teddy Bear on His Quest for, Um, ‘Curvy’ Love

Feeling a bit queasy from this roller-coaster called love? Daisy choosing bad boy London and the subsequent unabashed tonsil hockey (in front of runner-up, Flex) was enough to incite vomiting without even a nibble of carnival food. (Yes, he was the one who passed out on the floor in the first episode of “Daisy of […]

Feeling a bit queasy from this roller-coaster called love?

Daisy choosing bad boy London and the subsequent unabashed tonsil hockey (in front of runner-up, Flex) was enough to incite vomiting without even a nibble of carnival food. (Yes, he was the one who passed out on the floor in the first episode of “Daisy of Love.”)

But then we had to endure the highs and lows of Ed’s erection issues only to be surprised by the twists and turns that Reid had in store for Jillian and “The Bachelorette” fans.

He flies all the way back to Hawaii! He shows up in a minivan! He proposes! While wearing sneakers! (Did I mention the minivan?) 

I want off this ride!  And then …”More to Love” premiered, and I changed my mind.  One ticket for the front car please!

From the producers of “The Bachelor,” “More to Love” follows “teddy bear” Luke on his quest for love. The gimmick? His potential sweethearts are not made up of TV-friendly stick figures with big boobs. They’re made up of TV-friendly “curvy” women with big boobs — just his type.

Luke is neither prince nor professional football player. In fact, he’s not even heir to a tire/wine empire. Apparently the thing that makes Luke a catch worthy of dating 20 women simultaneously is the fact that he owns a home. (Oh, and it’s also worth noting that he doesn’t mispronounce “voluptuous” as “volumptuous,” a pet peeve of mine.)

Each week, Luke will present the women of his choice with a diamond ring representing a promise that he will accept them “as they are for who they are.” And the ones who don’t get a ring? Well, they can just add this experience to their long list of self-esteem issues.

Facilitating the process is none other than plus-size model Emme. (For the record, I would’ve preferred Toccara from “America’s Next Top Model.”) By “facilitate” I mean that mainly Emme just told Luke when it was time to pass out the rings but, more importantly, she opened my eyes to the option of pairing flip flops with a cocktail dress.

 

Normally I’d say it’s a “don’t,” but she’s the supermodel. Who am I to correct her?

As promised, this is definitely not your average dating show. While at first glance, the focus would appear to be Luke, it’s clear after the first 10 minutes that the real stars are the ladies and their relationships with themselves. 

Some stories were absolutely heartbreaking, like that of 21-year-old Melissa, who has never been on a real date for fear that it would be a joke. Sniff.

Also kind of heartbreaking was the fact that Natasha came right out of the gate awkwardly with “I’m a rocket scientist.” Rocket scientist is not what I’d lead with, Natasha. Try leading with your boobs instead. 

Red flag alert! Danielle from Los Angeles jumped into the pool in full cocktail attire in an attempt to appear fun and spontaneous. After rethinking it, she worried that she looked like a beached whale but Michelle told her that she looked “graceful.”  (Clearly some sort of strategy on Michelle’s part, as graceful is not the word I would have chosen.) Upon seeing this, alternative chick Bonnie commented that she was not a huge fan of people going to extremes for attention. (This from the girl sporting multiple tattoos and fishnets.) 

Porcelain doll Anna showed a silly sort of charm when chatting with Luke and event planner Lauren. When Anna kissed Luke full on the mouth, Lauren later whined that it was intimidating, especially since guys never give her the opportunity.  As charming and adorable as Anna is, she has a few pounds on Lauren. It just goes to show what most of these women are really lacking is confidence, not perfect bodies. 

While I think that the show sends a good message overall, there were a few things I found exploitive. For one thing, thanks to the editing, the conversation topics made you feel like you were eavesdropping on your local Weight Watchers meeting rather than watching a dating show — favorite meals, favorite desserts, even SPANX.

Especially infuriating was the fact that during the interview portions of the show, producers felt the need to not only post the girls’ names, ages and occupations, but also their heights and weights! Is that really necessary? We get it. They’re big. 

In the first ring ceremony, Anna was called down first, followed by busty blonde Malissa. Interesting, as they were the only two women who gave him some action.  I guess the way to a man’s heart isn’t through his stomach after all. 

As for the five women who were sent packing, it must be disheartening to go on a show where the focus is not on your looks but your personality … and then discover that your personality probably sucks too.

"BIG BROTHER 11"
After the house all but stoned “Ronnie the Rat” last week, sending him to his room to cry while holding a photo of his wife and cat in Santa hats, it seemed obvious that he would be the next to go. 

Jessie and the Athletes hold the power, though, and they have been in an alliance with Ronnie since the beginning.  Even Russell, who tortured him all last week, apologized to him and explained that it was all an act as part of his “master plan.” 

Who to vote out then, if not Ronnie?  With (the last) Popular Jordan and Brain Michele up as pawns, Natalie and Russell were gunning for Offbeat Casey, who has come close to winning the HOH a couple of times already. 

“I have a great influence on Jessie,” Natalie assured Russell. She is so … unlikeable. Kind of like the head “mean girl,” except with gym shorts in lieu of fashion sense. 

Basically it boiled down to Jessie calling every player besides Jordan and Jeff into the HOH room separately to convince him or her that Ronnie was not a threat. (How could anyone who looks like a grown-up version of Cousin Oliver from “Th Brady Bunch” be a threat anyway?) 

Also, we finally got a prime-time glimpse of the love triangle between Natalie, Jessie and Lydia. (As a footnote, at around 5 this morning, there was an interesting scene on the live feed involving Jessie’s foot and Lydia’s groin area.) Let’s hope that these jealousies only escalate and come to a head with Jessie having to choose between the two or, even better, just a good old-fashioned catfight. 

Perhaps one of the most awkward exchanges happened when Michele paid Jessie a visit to try to convince him to keep her around. Social skills are not her strong suit. But she promised him her loyalty. 

In the end she didn’t need his help, as she won the Power of Veto in a challenge involving pink pig bodysuits and something that smelled a whole lot like manure.  The contest resulted in competitor Casey winning two things: a margarita party for the house and … the opportunity (or rather, punishment) of wearing a banana costume for a week straight!

Finally Kevin, one of my favorites, got some screen time this week! And it looks as if he and Lydia are finally starting to think for themselves instead of letting the Athletes bully them. They have a serious conversation about how it would benefit them more to keep Casey around. He is, after all, in their clique. 

Then, just as the tension is mounting, Casey comes walking through in his banana costume. Ha! It never gets old! Casey smoking a cigarette as a banana. Casey in the diary room as a banana.  Casey talking strategy as a banana….

When Lydia mentioned to Jordan that Casey may be up for eviction, it got back to him and he took action.  He marched up to the HOH room and had a man-to-banana talk with Jessie. 

In the end, it didn’t help.  He was put up for eviction alongside Jordan. Let’s hope that he campaigns hard to stay. I’m ready to see the “angry, fighting banana” that he promised.

"HELL’S KITCHEN"
Last week we left off with former Marine Joseph threatening Chef Ramsey and outdoing him in the F-bomb department. (I’ve actually gotta hand it to him; I didn’t know that was possible.) 

The women nominated Lovely and Tennille (who may or may not have been a popular music duo in the 70s). The men nominated Andy and Tony. 

I have to say that I was rooting for culinary store manager Tony, but even I winced when he asserted that he loves “to make things taste really good.”  With that, Chef Ramsey sent him back to Chicago.

At 2 a.m. the contestants were awoken by sirens and smoke. (After all, “Hell’s Kitchen” really wouldn’t be authentic without flames.) What was going on? Did Sabrina forget to turn off the oven? My guess was that it was cigarette related.

But, no.  It was just another challenge! The teams had to prepare spaghetti dinners for a dining room full of firemen. The women won the challenge, earning a trip to the spa. The men had to clean the fire trucks and the dining room. On top of that, Dave hurt his wrist and Kevin rolled both of his ankles!

During dinner service, Kevin hobbled through the kitchen on his gimpy ankles and still managed to be faster than his teammates. In fact, poor Robert looked like he might have a heart attack just walking from the prep station to the oven! 

On the bright side, the teams actually completed their first dinner service. (Third time’s the charm.) This happened despite Lovely taking 45 minutes to get a ticket into the kitchen when she served as the Red Team’s waitress.

The Blue Team was declared the winner, earning a slightly higher score on the guest comment cards. Once again, Lovely and Tennille were up for elimination.

Feeling merciful (or perhaps just grateful that no one had called him a “limey *&%#” this time), Chef Ramsey decided not to eliminate anyone, as Joseph had already eliminated himself with his bizarre behavior earlier. 

Besides, I hear that he has Lovely & Tennille’s greatest hits album.