Triumph the Insult Comic Dog took a trip to our nation’s capitol on Monday to try and sneak into President Trump’s impeachment trial. Though he was ultimately unsuccessful at getting inside, he was very good at trolling politicians.
Dressed in a suit with a cigar dangling from his puppet-mouth, Triumph, who is voiced by Robert Smigel, mugged for the camera on “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert” as he did his best to get himself into the room where it was all happening, despite being cruelly denied a K-9 press pass.
As senators and their ilk made their way over to the trial, Triumph did what he does best — he heckled.
“Senator Graham, I saw the video of you wanting witnesses at Clinton’s impeachment in the ’90s. Why would you change everything about yourself and still keep that haircut?” he asked South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham live on CNN. The cheeky hound then held up a sign behind Graham’s head that read, “WILL LIE FOR RUBLES.”
“Oh my God, Lev Parnas!” Triumph then continued. “You’re my favorite henchman. Are you going to be doing some henching? Is Igor here with you?”
Several outfit changes were not enough to convince the capitol security guards to let him into the trial — though he did look very dapper as Chad Pennington, a corporate lobbyist for big pharma who is “very cozy with the senators,” which he proved by pulling out a suitcase full of Adderall and stacks of cash.
He also tried impersonating Alan Dershowitz’s personal masseuse and donned a pizza delivery dog costume, before finally slapping on a fake mustache and glasses and going as former National Security Advisor John Bolton’s dog — while standing beside the real John Bolton.
“Smell his mustache!” Triumph urged the security guard. “It smells exactly like Dick Cheney’s a–.”
After being refused entry by a succession of tired looking security guards, Triumph made his way to Sen. Mitch McConnell’s office to do some more heckling.
“Here’s Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell’s office/terrarium,” Triumph joked. “Mitch! Mitch, come out. Come out of your shell, Mitch. Come on, just poke your head out of your shell. I have lettuce!”
Next, he knocked on the door of Sen. Ted Cruz.
“Ted! Come on, it’s your old pal. I’ve got good news. You’ve got a real shot in 2024. The latest polls say you’re only 3% behind the Wuhan virus!”
He even got to heckle Sen. Graham one more time as he walked by.
“Sen. Graham, another question. Why do you look like every guy that saw the movie ‘Cats’ alone?”
Finally, unable to make it inside but having done the country a true service with his inexhaustible heckling, Triumph called it quits.
“For LSSC News, this is Triumph reporting from the greatest deliberative body in the world … for me to poop on!”