Yes, those are wedding bills you're hearing — Peter Bart and Bill O'Reilly are tying the knot! Supposedly. Maybe.
Well, probably not. But someone claiming to be the Variety editorial director announced that Bart and conservative squawking head O'Reilly are heading for the altar on the website PeterBart.org on Wednesday.
"I am Gay and I think I always have been I am dating Bill O'Reilly from Fox and we are very much in love," Bart supposedly reveals on the site. "Bill is ever so sweet in real life all the redneck stuff he spouts on Fox is just showbiz, In real life She [sic] is so sweet just this morning I woke up with daisy's [sic] on my pillow that Bill picked and left on my pillow."
The site, which appears to have been hastily assembled for the express purpose of making the no-doubt satirical announcement, bears no other content.
Also read: Bill O'Reilly Calls "Simpsons" Joke "Dopey," "Cheap Shot"
Bart — or, more likely, an impostor — goes on to note that he and the pundit are "getting married shortly" and have located "a wonderful house on Cape Cod" where the couple will "live out our years very much in love and cherishing each others [sic] touch." Oh, and they also plan to "open a small museum displaying Barbara [sic] Streisand memorabilia."
But before the pair exchange vows, Bart and O'Reilly have a coming-out party — or rather, a series of coming-out parties befitting the festive occasion, starting July 2 at the Chateau Marmont and carrying forward to venues such as The Pierre in New York, the Ritz in Paris and July Brown's Hotel in London.
Also read: Bill O'Reilly: Whitney Houston an "Addict," "Wanted to Kill Herself" (Video)
"Do not worry if you feel you are not dressed for such hotels they are just a base so Bill and I can get naked and play Sinitta's 'So Macho' to each other," Bart reassures potential guests.
Bart didn't mention where the happy couple are registered for their wedding, but if you're planning to buy them a gift, a nice loofah would probably be very much appreciated.