"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."

"Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons."

"I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food."

"Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets."

"Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something." 

"Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless."

"Child labor laws are ruining this country."

"The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy."

"The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples."

"Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?"