‘Who Is Donald Trump F-ing?’: Bill Maher Wonders Why Trump Tell-Alls Haven’t Had the Scoop (Video)

“Unless the answer, Donald, is… you just… can’t,” the “Real Time” host sneers

Bill Maher is desperate to know who Donald Trump has been sleeping with and is puzzled why not one of the more than 1,200 books written about his presidency has failed to reveal the answer.

“Who is Donald Trump f—ing? It’s somebody. And it’s not Melania… and it’s not nobody,” Maher said on Friday night’s “Real Time” on HBO. “He’s a dog and always has been. And I doubt that went away after he became the most powerful man in the world.”

He’s got a point. Amongst the numerous books that have emerged spilling the beans about the goings-on in the White House during the Trump administration – “Fire and Fury: Confidence Man,” “Team of Vipers,” “A Very Stable Genius,” “Betrayal,” “Disloyal Revenge,” “Unhinged Rage,” “Fear,” “Peril,” “Blitz,” “Full Disclosure,” “The Divider” and “The Room Where It Happened,” to name a few — we “still have no idea what happened in the room.”

“We know everything else about the guy down to the most minute detail because everyone around him has the loyalty of a pet scorpion. All White Houses are a bit of a sieve, but the Trump White House leaked more than Nick Cannon’s condoms,” Maher said with a grin.

“We know he cuts his own hair with giant scissors. We know he listens to show tunes to calm down. We know he gets two scoops of ice cream and everybody else gets one. We know he tweets on the toilet and throws documents down the toilet. We know he cheats at golf, was once caught eating paper, doesn’t like dogs, is a germophobe, uses a tanning bed, once cashed a check for 13 cents, has this pants steamed while wearing them, sleeps four hours a night and hesitated to give Don Jr. his name because ‘what if he’s a loser?’ We even know that his penis is shaped like a mushroom. How is it possible we don’t know who is servicing it?”

Maher is certain it’s not because the former POTUS is not sleeping with anyone. “He’s on tape bragging that when you’re a star you can do anything you want. OK? That guy didn’t just go away. Alpha dogs never die. Never,” the comedian said. “Do you think Donald Trump just one day said, ‘Yeah, sex was fun, but I think I’ll switch to building ships in a bottle’? And again, we know it’s not Melania. Please, please. It’s just not. She won’t even give him hand,” referring to that viral video of Trump reaching for his wife’s hand as they deboard Air Force One and she shoos it away.

Puzzled by the lack of information that Maher thinks would most certainly be scandalous, he pointed out that the public knows plenty about Trump’s sex life before he made his way into the Oval Office.

“The cheating, the groping, the walking into the dressing room at beauty pageants, hot for daughter, telling 10-year-olds he’ll be dating them in 10 years. The parties with Epstein, the grabbing, the porn star mistress, everything. And then the historical record goes blank. What happened?” Maher wondered. “Not even anything from the last two years when he is at Mar-a-Lago. He lives in a country club with hundreds of people coming and going. He wouldn’t even have to fake how the groupies got in. And they must get in. He’s a man who lives to be adored. And Florida is full of thousands of unhinged MAGA, who see him as sent by God to save America. Cult leaders get laid. There is no way this is not happening.”

There is only one possible reason, Maher suggested, which was because, maybe, Trump has performance problems. “Maybe there is a problem. In which case I feel for you. No, I’m, I’m just saying, I’m not trying to bait you into a response to prove your d— worked. Maybe it does. It’s possible theoretically, but really there’s no other explanation how a cult leader with hundreds of willing groupies, [who] is not restrained by his wife, by his options or by morals, could not be having sex with anyone.”

You can watch Maher’s entire New Rules segment in the clip at the top.