For Whom ‘The Bachelor’ Tolls

What I really want to know is, will the new couple ever watch reality TV for the glorious bloodsport of merciless mocking?

Last Updated: March 3, 2010 @ 12:33 PM

To a man, the question isn’t whether Jake "The Bachelor" Pavelka picks Vienna or Tenley.

(And by "to a man," I mean literally — to a MAN. Look, I’m not the demographic for ABC’s reality hit. I’m not even going to bother to look up the stats; I’ll just go out on a limb here and say "The Bachelor" skews female.)

The question is, if he actually marries one of these makuep-caked broom handles, will they ever share a single sarcastic, cynical, clever or controversial comment between them, so long as they both shall live?

Does EVERYTHING on "The Bachelor" have to be so doggone … earnest?

The roses … given with such loving care. The agonizing … agonized with such raw emotion. The voiceover. Voiced-over with such — OK, you get it.

And I give the show credit where it’s due: Last week’s tell-all was infinitely more risky (and risqué) than I could’ve imagined. The girls ganged up on Rozlyn, the intensely beautiful pathological liar who swears she didn’t have an "inappropriate physical relationship" with a producer — never mind those multiple eyewitnesses. (And how can a show that essentially grants one person a free pass to cultivate a harem for two months deem any kind of organic relationship an "inappropriate" affair? Dudes have martyred themselves for less.)

To top it all off, Rozlyn accused host Chris Harrison of "hitting on" her (alleged) lover’s wife. And she did it sarcastically!

Cynicism AND sarcasm? Good lord, it was like 20 lungfuls of fresh air!

(For a recap, read: Sex, Lies and ‘The Bachelor': Rozlyn’s Last Stand.)

No, I don’t care one whit who the cheeky pilot from Somewhere, Texas, chooses.

What I want to know — what I MUST know — is this: Will Jake and (Vienna, Tenley, neither) ever take subtle swipes at one another over a few too many ounces of Turning Leaf? Make sharply witty sass about the others’ appearance/cooking/hygene?

Will they ever watch ABC reality shows together for the glorious bloodsport of vicious mockery?

You know, like … have a REAL marriage?

A boy can hope.

Josh Dickey is deputy editor of TheWrap.